Read, every day, something no one else is reading. Think, every day, something no one else is thinking. Do, every day, something no one else would be silly enough to do. It is bad for the mind to be always part of unanimity.
- Christopher Morley
4.28.2010
3.23.2010
Home
The long and winding road
That leads to your door
Will never disappear
I've seen that road before
It always leads me here
Lead me to your door.
The wild and windy night
That the rain washed away
Has left a pool of tears
Crying for the day.
Why leave me standing here?
Let me know the way.
Many times I've been alone
And many times I've cried,
Anyway you've never known
The many ways I've tried.
And still they lead me back
To the long, winding road
You left me standing here
A long, long time ago
Don't leave me waiting here
Lead me to your door.
But still they lead me back
To the long winding road
You left me standing here
A long, long time ago (ohhh)
Don't keep me waiting here (don't keep me waiting)
Lead me to your door. (yeah yeah yeah yeah)
That leads to your door
Will never disappear
I've seen that road before
It always leads me here
Lead me to your door.
The wild and windy night
That the rain washed away
Has left a pool of tears
Crying for the day.
Why leave me standing here?
Let me know the way.
Many times I've been alone
And many times I've cried,
Anyway you've never known
The many ways I've tried.
And still they lead me back
To the long, winding road
You left me standing here
A long, long time ago
Don't leave me waiting here
Lead me to your door.
But still they lead me back
To the long winding road
You left me standing here
A long, long time ago (ohhh)
Don't keep me waiting here (don't keep me waiting)
Lead me to your door. (yeah yeah yeah yeah)
3.11.2010
Couldn't be happier
As I sit here in my office listening to classical music blasting from an instructors office across the hall, starting a light plot that's due to my advisor by 10am tomorrow I realized I had a damn good day.
How luck I am to:
be alive
be doing theatre
have enough money to pay bills
share a banana split with two good friends after a huge meal at the diner.
Through the stress of everyday and the finals week crunch I have to remember that life is good and I should enjoy it. Even in these little moments.
How luck I am to:
be alive
be doing theatre
have enough money to pay bills
share a banana split with two good friends after a huge meal at the diner.
Through the stress of everyday and the finals week crunch I have to remember that life is good and I should enjoy it. Even in these little moments.
2.08.2010
thank you
Today would have been Dad's 60th birthday and this is the best I can describe how I feel about it...
how bout getting off these antibiotics
how bout stopping eating when I'm full up
how bout them transparent dangling carrots
how bout that ever elusive kudo
thank you < daddy>
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence
how bout me not blaming you for everything
how bout me enjoying the moment for once
how bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
how bout grieving it all one at a time
thank you < daddy>
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence
the moment I let go of it was the moment
I got more than I could handle
the moment I jumped off of it
was the moment I touched down
how bout no longer being masochistic
how bout remembering your divinity
how bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
how bout not equating death with stopping
thank you < daddy>
thank you providence
thank you disillusionment
thank you nothingness
thank you clarity
thank you thank you silence
---
Doesn't mean I'm not taking my klennex box to bed with me.
how bout getting off these antibiotics
how bout stopping eating when I'm full up
how bout them transparent dangling carrots
how bout that ever elusive kudo
thank you < daddy>
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence
how bout me not blaming you for everything
how bout me enjoying the moment for once
how bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
how bout grieving it all one at a time
thank you < daddy>
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence
the moment I let go of it was the moment
I got more than I could handle
the moment I jumped off of it
was the moment I touched down
how bout no longer being masochistic
how bout remembering your divinity
how bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
how bout not equating death with stopping
thank you < daddy>
thank you providence
thank you disillusionment
thank you nothingness
thank you clarity
thank you thank you silence
---
Doesn't mean I'm not taking my klennex box to bed with me.
1.22.2010
Productive Day
So, the frustrating part of productive days is paying bills. I really dread these days of having a stare down with my checking account. It frees me up to not worry about payments for another month so it's a necessary evil. I'm glad most of my bills are now in mid month instead of 2 years ago when they all where in the beginning of the month and I started out my month with a small amount of money left over. It made me bitter and angry and not want to go out since I know I can't afford it. AT&T is making me pissed off more than it should but that brings me to the better part of productive days like this.
Dance breaks
Pop on the ipod and find the comfy headphones. I'm gonna be rocking around my room while I cross off my TO DO list and write checks. I look ridiculous but only Chase.com knows this and we get together about once a month to get into the groove. Without this ritual I think I might murder some one while I pay my bills. I mean really, how can you get psycho about a phone bill when you're listening to Usher? Don't judge, the kid's got a good voice.
And if things go well, I'll be window shopping on heels.com.
And if things go badly, I'll be window shopping on heels.com
Although I'm feeling the need to drool over some Dior lately.
If there was a doubt that I'm in the wrong field, just look at my web browser history.... LED pars and Christian Dior.
Glad I'm finally feeling secure and at home enough to have a kick ass day alone!
Dance breaks
Pop on the ipod and find the comfy headphones. I'm gonna be rocking around my room while I cross off my TO DO list and write checks. I look ridiculous but only Chase.com knows this and we get together about once a month to get into the groove. Without this ritual I think I might murder some one while I pay my bills. I mean really, how can you get psycho about a phone bill when you're listening to Usher? Don't judge, the kid's got a good voice.
And if things go well, I'll be window shopping on heels.com.
And if things go badly, I'll be window shopping on heels.com
Although I'm feeling the need to drool over some Dior lately.
If there was a doubt that I'm in the wrong field, just look at my web browser history.... LED pars and Christian Dior.
Glad I'm finally feeling secure and at home enough to have a kick ass day alone!
12.25.2009
12.02.2009
Socks and earrings
When I was little I used to watch Punky Bruster in the afternoons and wonder what I could do to be that cool. It started with the bangs and scrunchies. Then came the loud 90's spandex clothes and ridiculous accessories. But something I always had before Punky made it popular was the mis matched socks. To this day, I still do not own a pair of plain white socks (I blame most of this obsession on my Mom, she's always sending me holiday socks, I guess that's her way of mailing me a hug).
Last night after a particularly bad nostalgia night at the bar I had one more beer than I meant to and lost an earring somewhere. I was getting ready for bed tonight and glanced over at the loner still sulking on my dresser and started to wonder if I could mis match earrings like I did socks...
There's nothing particularly wrong with not being perfectly symmetrical, in fact the human body isn't so why should our clothing or accessories be? Who is going to notice? or care? It'd be good conversation and frankly I think it's meant to be.
Just because you lost part of your pair doesn't mean you are worthless, just that you're purpose has changed. Instead of being half of a whole, you're unique. Maybe you'll find another piece that compliments you well but doesn't fit quite as well as the original but who needs to be perfect?
Last night after a particularly bad nostalgia night at the bar I had one more beer than I meant to and lost an earring somewhere. I was getting ready for bed tonight and glanced over at the loner still sulking on my dresser and started to wonder if I could mis match earrings like I did socks...
There's nothing particularly wrong with not being perfectly symmetrical, in fact the human body isn't so why should our clothing or accessories be? Who is going to notice? or care? It'd be good conversation and frankly I think it's meant to be.
Just because you lost part of your pair doesn't mean you are worthless, just that you're purpose has changed. Instead of being half of a whole, you're unique. Maybe you'll find another piece that compliments you well but doesn't fit quite as well as the original but who needs to be perfect?
11.05.2009
San Diego
After two months of living in my hometown I have come to a few realizations.
As much as I love this city I don't ever want to live here again. It will always be home and I am very comforted by just mindlessly driving it's streets on instinct and letting all the memories flood back into my brain. So and so lived in that apartment and I ran out of gas on this block one night, I always took this route to school because it was more adventurous and had less stoplights. Even discovering the new places my friends have called their home in different locals around the county feels natural because it's home and there isn't much of this city I haven't seen at least once. But for whatever reason I feel like a tire spinning it's wheels when I am here. I get too wrapped up in the history of things and spend less time focusing on the future. This town is like a time warp that sent me reeling back 6 years and made it all too easy for me to forget the battle I have almost won in pursuit of my degree.
With that said it should also be noted that I have been struck by this sublime sense of companionship since I moved back down here. It is reassuring to see familiar faces every day. Not that I don't appreciate the friendships I have established up North, they are just different. After surviving the worst year of my life it is relieving to return to those I've depended on for more than two year. People who knew me and my father and understood our relationship and how devastating it was for me to loose him. Someone I don't have to see every day to maintain a relationship with since I barely see them now that I'm in college. Those who support the decisions that make me happy even though they know it will lead me further away from them.
So now my attention should be shifting towards the future. Graduate Studies and life thereafter. Will I return to Southern California? Most likely not. Do I want to stay in the Bay Area or Northern California? I couldn't tell you just yet. Am I entertaining the East Coast again? Certainly. My priorities at the time lead me to the answers I need but I'm starting to run out of idle time and need to keep powering through and find some good results soon. Things that will make me happy that I spent this unplanned time with my family but move me forward in my career and in my life.
But it all started out in San Diego.
As much as I love this city I don't ever want to live here again. It will always be home and I am very comforted by just mindlessly driving it's streets on instinct and letting all the memories flood back into my brain. So and so lived in that apartment and I ran out of gas on this block one night, I always took this route to school because it was more adventurous and had less stoplights. Even discovering the new places my friends have called their home in different locals around the county feels natural because it's home and there isn't much of this city I haven't seen at least once. But for whatever reason I feel like a tire spinning it's wheels when I am here. I get too wrapped up in the history of things and spend less time focusing on the future. This town is like a time warp that sent me reeling back 6 years and made it all too easy for me to forget the battle I have almost won in pursuit of my degree.
With that said it should also be noted that I have been struck by this sublime sense of companionship since I moved back down here. It is reassuring to see familiar faces every day. Not that I don't appreciate the friendships I have established up North, they are just different. After surviving the worst year of my life it is relieving to return to those I've depended on for more than two year. People who knew me and my father and understood our relationship and how devastating it was for me to loose him. Someone I don't have to see every day to maintain a relationship with since I barely see them now that I'm in college. Those who support the decisions that make me happy even though they know it will lead me further away from them.
So now my attention should be shifting towards the future. Graduate Studies and life thereafter. Will I return to Southern California? Most likely not. Do I want to stay in the Bay Area or Northern California? I couldn't tell you just yet. Am I entertaining the East Coast again? Certainly. My priorities at the time lead me to the answers I need but I'm starting to run out of idle time and need to keep powering through and find some good results soon. Things that will make me happy that I spent this unplanned time with my family but move me forward in my career and in my life.
But it all started out in San Diego.
10.24.2009
Just to get sleepy and it worked
1. whats your name spelt backwards?
Dranoc Naej Yllek
2. What did you do last night?
Go to my History class
3. The last thing you downloaded onto your computer?
A rington
4. Have you ever licked a 9 volt battery?
Many times
5. Last time you swam in a pool?
Few weeks ago
6. What are you wearing?
Pajamas
7. How many cars have you owned?
Three. 1992 VW Jetta, 2001 VW Jetta, 1997 Toyota 4runner
8. Type of music you dislike most?
Straight rap
9. Are you registered to vote?
Since 2001
10. Do you have cable?
Yes
11. What kind of computer do you use?
Apple Macbook 13"
12. Ever made a prank phone call?
No, but I have called and hung up.
13. You like anyone right now?
Yes
14. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?
Sky diving
15. Furthest place you ever traveled?
Atlanta, Georgia
16.Do you have a garden?
Not until the deer move out
17. What's your favorite comic strip?
Peanuts
18. Do you know all the words to the national anthem?
Yes
19. Shower, morning or night?
Morning
20. Best movie you've seen in the past month?
I don't think I've actually watched a movie in the past month
21. Favorite pizza toppings?
Hawaiian
22. Chips or popcorn?
Tough choice, popcorn
23. What cell phone provider do you have?
AT& (no last T since they drop half my calls now)
24. Have you ever smoked peanut shells?
No but I knew someone that did and they smelled terrible. :)
25. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?
No
26. Orange Juice or apple?
Another tough one, apple.
27. Who were the last people you sat at lunch with?
My sister
28. favorite chocolate bar?
Milky Way
29. Who is your longest friend and how long?
Ashley, 26 years. Close friend? Julie 12 years. damn.
30. Last time you ate a homegrown tomato?
About a month ago
31. Have you ever won a trophy?
Yes, girl scouts don't discriminate
32.Favorite artist?
What kind of art? Music, painting, design, photography? I guess to be super broad here I could say God.
33. Favorite computer game?
Flash games... Confuse box and circle the cat
34. Ever ordered from an infomercial?
Once, wasn't worth it
35. Sprite or 7-UP?
7-up
36. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to school/work?
School, no. Work, yes and yes
37. Last thing you bought at Walgreens?
When I lived in San Francisco? I think pantyhose
38. Ever thrown up in public?
Yes sir.
39. Would you prefer being a millionaire or finding true love?
Right now... a millionaire
40. Do you believe in love at first sight?
Not really
41.Can exes just be friends?
Certainly not without feelings
42. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?
.........my dad.........
43. Did you have long hair as a young kid?
Yes at 16 it reached my belt.
44. What message is on your voicemail machine?
My voice
45. Where would you like to go right now?
Sleep
46. What was the name of your first pet?
Bailey, a golden
47. What kind of back pack do you have, and what's in it?
Light pink Jansport with the logo upsidedown. I bought it that way...
48. Last incoming/outgoing call on your phone?
My boy
49. What is one thing you are grateful for today?
Balls to go cuss out college kids for parking in the middle of the f***ing street. I hate STDSU
50. What do you think about most?
The future and who or what will be in it.
Dranoc Naej Yllek
2. What did you do last night?
Go to my History class
3. The last thing you downloaded onto your computer?
A rington
4. Have you ever licked a 9 volt battery?
Many times
5. Last time you swam in a pool?
Few weeks ago
6. What are you wearing?
Pajamas
7. How many cars have you owned?
Three. 1992 VW Jetta, 2001 VW Jetta, 1997 Toyota 4runner
8. Type of music you dislike most?
Straight rap
9. Are you registered to vote?
Since 2001
10. Do you have cable?
Yes
11. What kind of computer do you use?
Apple Macbook 13"
12. Ever made a prank phone call?
No, but I have called and hung up.
13. You like anyone right now?
Yes
14. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?
Sky diving
15. Furthest place you ever traveled?
Atlanta, Georgia
16.Do you have a garden?
Not until the deer move out
17. What's your favorite comic strip?
Peanuts
18. Do you know all the words to the national anthem?
Yes
19. Shower, morning or night?
Morning
20. Best movie you've seen in the past month?
I don't think I've actually watched a movie in the past month
21. Favorite pizza toppings?
Hawaiian
22. Chips or popcorn?
Tough choice, popcorn
23. What cell phone provider do you have?
AT& (no last T since they drop half my calls now)
24. Have you ever smoked peanut shells?
No but I knew someone that did and they smelled terrible. :)
25. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?
No
26. Orange Juice or apple?
Another tough one, apple.
27. Who were the last people you sat at lunch with?
My sister
28. favorite chocolate bar?
Milky Way
29. Who is your longest friend and how long?
Ashley, 26 years. Close friend? Julie 12 years. damn.
30. Last time you ate a homegrown tomato?
About a month ago
31. Have you ever won a trophy?
Yes, girl scouts don't discriminate
32.Favorite artist?
What kind of art? Music, painting, design, photography? I guess to be super broad here I could say God.
33. Favorite computer game?
Flash games... Confuse box and circle the cat
34. Ever ordered from an infomercial?
Once, wasn't worth it
35. Sprite or 7-UP?
7-up
36. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to school/work?
School, no. Work, yes and yes
37. Last thing you bought at Walgreens?
When I lived in San Francisco? I think pantyhose
38. Ever thrown up in public?
Yes sir.
39. Would you prefer being a millionaire or finding true love?
Right now... a millionaire
40. Do you believe in love at first sight?
Not really
41.Can exes just be friends?
Certainly not without feelings
42. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?
.........my dad.........
43. Did you have long hair as a young kid?
Yes at 16 it reached my belt.
44. What message is on your voicemail machine?
My voice
45. Where would you like to go right now?
Sleep
46. What was the name of your first pet?
Bailey, a golden
47. What kind of back pack do you have, and what's in it?
Light pink Jansport with the logo upsidedown. I bought it that way...
48. Last incoming/outgoing call on your phone?
My boy
49. What is one thing you are grateful for today?
Balls to go cuss out college kids for parking in the middle of the f***ing street. I hate STDSU
50. What do you think about most?
The future and who or what will be in it.
9.15.2009
Mini Coopers and American Sports
Today was possibly one of the worst nights I've had since April.
I watched the Chargers game alone for the first 2 hours. He would have been there. He would have seen...
I've been let down before but why is this so much more heart wrenching than before. Is it because I've realized how desperately I need my close friends? How much I missed my hometown? How much it hurts that my boy doesn't want to attempt to see me down here? How epic it is to be here without Him? How he's not ever coming home... How much I really am numb to everything...
San Diego won
but I lost
and I won.
I had a few drinks with an old friend and mentor. Venting and cursing feels good, especially with a pint in your hand and the promise of a damn good rolled taco afterwards.
Thankgod
for
life.
It's a trip that everyone should try and a story that will never grow old.
I watched the Chargers game alone for the first 2 hours. He would have been there. He would have seen...
I've been let down before but why is this so much more heart wrenching than before. Is it because I've realized how desperately I need my close friends? How much I missed my hometown? How much it hurts that my boy doesn't want to attempt to see me down here? How epic it is to be here without Him? How he's not ever coming home... How much I really am numb to everything...
San Diego won
but I lost
and I won.
I had a few drinks with an old friend and mentor. Venting and cursing feels good, especially with a pint in your hand and the promise of a damn good rolled taco afterwards.
Thankgod
for
life.
It's a trip that everyone should try and a story that will never grow old.
7.03.2009
My heart belongs to you
"She prays for him every night. She hopes that he can hear her."
White Trash Beautiful - Everlast
I miss my daddy.
I've had a very full week. I started paid work with the company on Monday. I graduated college, I'm preparing for grad school...
but I as soon as the car door closes and I'm on my way home my mind can't help but go to all the places it hasn't been in a while. The spots where it hurts, where it's unsettled. Where my heart has a hole in it.
I guess the most I can say is that what I know, my dad knows and I can feel that he's proud of me. But it doesn't make it any easier not to want to grab the phone and call him just to hear his voice. To know he's there, to hear the words.
My dad wasn't much for words but the few he said were powerful and true.
"I wish you could have meet my dad, you're a lot like him and he'd be proud of you." Letter from my dad on my High School graduation 2001
"She prays for him every night. She hopes that he can hear her."
White Trash Beautiful - Everlast
I miss my daddy.
I've had a very full week. I started paid work with the company on Monday. I graduated college, I'm preparing for grad school...
but I as soon as the car door closes and I'm on my way home my mind can't help but go to all the places it hasn't been in a while. The spots where it hurts, where it's unsettled. Where my heart has a hole in it.
I guess the most I can say is that what I know, my dad knows and I can feel that he's proud of me. But it doesn't make it any easier not to want to grab the phone and call him just to hear his voice. To know he's there, to hear the words.
My dad wasn't much for words but the few he said were powerful and true.
"I wish you could have meet my dad, you're a lot like him and he'd be proud of you." Letter from my dad on my High School graduation 2001
"She prays for him every night. She hopes that he can hear her."
6.02.2009
aint it funny
how today we have time for things we didn't feel like doing yesterday?
Wanna know what is NOT funny?
How NO ONE from my college will respond to my emails. Two out of the three academic advisors at Oakes I need to talk to are on vacation. WTF. Who said it was a good idea to take a vacation right before your job basically ends? You couldn't wait the two weeks? F minus. Seriously.
Wanna know what is NOT funny?
How NO ONE from my college will respond to my emails. Two out of the three academic advisors at Oakes I need to talk to are on vacation. WTF. Who said it was a good idea to take a vacation right before your job basically ends? You couldn't wait the two weeks? F minus. Seriously.
6.01.2009
Need a dog
I have decided I need a dog. If I move to Davis without anyone or anything to look forward to come home to it might kill me. I need a friend.
5.26.2009
Today's panic attack
I'm screwed, I'm so stressed. Why did I think I could do this? I'm so screwed. I can't do it. I need to talk to about eighty million people to figure out one simple thing and all I want to do is give my HS transcripts to someone. Preferably the right person so I don't have to do this again and get even more screwed. I have nothing accomplished. I'm freaking out. I haven't done my reading for class at 4pm. I had 2 people stay at my house this weekend and it messed me all up. I get the feeling you don't really want to be at graduation, like it's taking too much effort. I'm so afraid I'm not going to meet any of my requirements to graduate. It costs $40 to apply, the deadline was last month. Davis needs a bunch of paperwork too. Like tomorrow. I won't be able to go to Davis if I can't finish this stupid audit. My advisor hasn't answered any of my 3 emails. I need help from god knows who. Where did the month of April go? Why is it already June. I need to write exactly 4 papers in less than a week and see a show at Berkeley Rep and participate in a dance show. I don't even know if my Department Chair will still sign my waiver for my last class I need for my major.
I need my Daddy.
< crying now >
And now I'm mentally done for the rest of the day and it's only 2pm. fantastic.
I need my Daddy.
< crying now >
And now I'm mentally done for the rest of the day and it's only 2pm. fantastic.
4.30.2009
Day Three
I'm having a hard time today.
I love and miss my family more than I can ever express in words but today they are getting on my nerves.
I've been really glad to get re-acquainted with my cousin but today she started chatting with me on facebook and the first thing she asked is when I'll be coming out to see her then she asked if I had gotten everything together at school. Not even close. My uncle wants pictures from the weekend, my mom wants a flight booked to come see me and asked why I haven't seen counseling yet.
I'm trying really really REALLY hard to not crawl into the corner of my office and start sobbing.
I had a full day of classes on Tuesday and today. By full I mean 8am to 6pm. My truck's check engine light came back on so I had to deal with that yesterday.
I cannot fix everything in one day.
Nor do I want to. I'm choosing to take one subject a day so I don't get too overwhelmed and anxious like I'm feeling right now. This is incredibly hard as it is and I don't need my family, those who are supposed to support me through this, attack me as soon as I leave their sight. I'm not just sitting around the house waiting to hear from them again. I'm working really really hard at keeping my life somewhat afloat right now.
Please, just cut me some slack.
I love and miss my family more than I can ever express in words but today they are getting on my nerves.
I've been really glad to get re-acquainted with my cousin but today she started chatting with me on facebook and the first thing she asked is when I'll be coming out to see her then she asked if I had gotten everything together at school. Not even close. My uncle wants pictures from the weekend, my mom wants a flight booked to come see me and asked why I haven't seen counseling yet.
I'm trying really really REALLY hard to not crawl into the corner of my office and start sobbing.
I had a full day of classes on Tuesday and today. By full I mean 8am to 6pm. My truck's check engine light came back on so I had to deal with that yesterday.
I cannot fix everything in one day.
Nor do I want to. I'm choosing to take one subject a day so I don't get too overwhelmed and anxious like I'm feeling right now. This is incredibly hard as it is and I don't need my family, those who are supposed to support me through this, attack me as soon as I leave their sight. I'm not just sitting around the house waiting to hear from them again. I'm working really really hard at keeping my life somewhat afloat right now.
Please, just cut me some slack.
4.07.2009
Little plastic castle is a surprise every time.
I need to see my family. I'm glad I'm flying down for Easter this weekend. As aggrivating as it is to drive to San Jose and get on a plane, it is worth it every single time. How I view my interaction with my family is reduced to the little things I took for granted when I was a kid. A cup of tea with my mom, holding my dad's hand during church, making silly notes for my sister to find.
It comes in phases. Some days I am really strong and don't think for a second about cancer. Other days, like today, my dad is the only thing I can think about. I go to class and continue to keep my appointments because I want to keep achieving the things I love, which is what I think he has always wanted me to do. I've been trying to focus my gaze on the celebration of death, the beauty of fulling your time and purpose in life. But some days I can't stop thinking about how I soon won't have my daddy anymore. So I guess this post is to continue my search for a good perspective...
one day at a time, one goal at a time, one moment at a time.
It comes in phases. Some days I am really strong and don't think for a second about cancer. Other days, like today, my dad is the only thing I can think about. I go to class and continue to keep my appointments because I want to keep achieving the things I love, which is what I think he has always wanted me to do. I've been trying to focus my gaze on the celebration of death, the beauty of fulling your time and purpose in life. But some days I can't stop thinking about how I soon won't have my daddy anymore. So I guess this post is to continue my search for a good perspective...
They say goldfish have no memory
I guess their lives are much like mine
And the little plastic castle is a surprise every time
one day at a time, one goal at a time, one moment at a time.
3.23.2009
Home
I am home to hang out with my dad this week and get some much needed support from some old friends. I don't know why but the sympathy and offers of help I get from all these people that have been in my life for less than a year feel kind of empty. I know they mean well and there are some who genuinely care (I got sick a few days ago and I mentioned I wanted some apple juice and my housemate brought some home that night, he's not all bad) but they didn't know my dad or know our relationship so it's hard for them to comprehend the heaviness that this is.
Talked to my ex the other day about the cat. Though he never really cared for my cat he did live with him for a year so I felt it was important to tell him. We had a good chat and caught up on the world... looks like he's moving to the East coast soon and I doubt we'll talk after that. I think we're both okay with that.
Got to see my friend's little boy when he picked me up from the airport. This friend is amazing... he's the only one who has ever picked me up from the airport since I moved north. Seeing kids right now makes me kind of melancholy. I'm happy to see new and full life but at the same time really really sad that I might not be able to share that same experience in my life with my Daddy.
I'm not sure he'll make it the rest of the year. But greater miracles have happened and I am blessed for every day that I still have him.
Sister went to Disneyland for her boyfriend's birthday today. Her birthday is on Wednesday... I am researching presents and everyone seems to be real excited about happy family time.
I love family time even more now and I'm not sure how that was even possible.
Talked to my ex the other day about the cat. Though he never really cared for my cat he did live with him for a year so I felt it was important to tell him. We had a good chat and caught up on the world... looks like he's moving to the East coast soon and I doubt we'll talk after that. I think we're both okay with that.
Got to see my friend's little boy when he picked me up from the airport. This friend is amazing... he's the only one who has ever picked me up from the airport since I moved north. Seeing kids right now makes me kind of melancholy. I'm happy to see new and full life but at the same time really really sad that I might not be able to share that same experience in my life with my Daddy.
I'm not sure he'll make it the rest of the year. But greater miracles have happened and I am blessed for every day that I still have him.
Sister went to Disneyland for her boyfriend's birthday today. Her birthday is on Wednesday... I am researching presents and everyone seems to be real excited about happy family time.
I love family time even more now and I'm not sure how that was even possible.
3.20.2009
Diablo
Diablo, my cat died at 4am yesterday.
He was loosing blood at an alarming rate so around midnight the all night Dr called and asked if we would like to go ahead with surgery, just to see what was there. He called after the surgery and reported that Diablo had multiple huge spots on his liver, one of them had ruptured and was causing the bleeding in his stomach. We decided the best thing to do would be to not wake him from the surgery.
Everything happened so fast and I still can't quite process it. The only regret I have is that I wasn't there when he went into surgery. I'm sure he was scared, I was scared. I couldn't stop shivering after talking to the doctor.
We brought him home after going to breakfast and buried him in a sunny spot in the yard not far up the hillside from the house. It give my heart peace to know that he is still around but it hurts more somehow. I feel like he's lost for a few days and he'll be home soon.
Maybe he's not lost. I hope he's in the sun lounging or draping his front legs over the back of a big chair near a fireplace in heaven. I miss you Bubba.
RIP Diablo
October 2003 - March 2009
He was loosing blood at an alarming rate so around midnight the all night Dr called and asked if we would like to go ahead with surgery, just to see what was there. He called after the surgery and reported that Diablo had multiple huge spots on his liver, one of them had ruptured and was causing the bleeding in his stomach. We decided the best thing to do would be to not wake him from the surgery.
Everything happened so fast and I still can't quite process it. The only regret I have is that I wasn't there when he went into surgery. I'm sure he was scared, I was scared. I couldn't stop shivering after talking to the doctor.
We brought him home after going to breakfast and buried him in a sunny spot in the yard not far up the hillside from the house. It give my heart peace to know that he is still around but it hurts more somehow. I feel like he's lost for a few days and he'll be home soon.
Maybe he's not lost. I hope he's in the sun lounging or draping his front legs over the back of a big chair near a fireplace in heaven. I miss you Bubba.
RIP Diablo
October 2003 - March 2009
3.18.2009
I have not another tear to shed
I have no words for the last month I have had.
Dad went to the oncologist today. They pretty much said, keep him happy and watch his blood levels and if he feels any pain, they will change his medication. He cannot go to chemotherapy because some levels don't add up, not to clear what that level is but... my dad is dying.
My cat is now in the hospital as well for exactly the same problem. He ate some hamburger meat and stopped moving around so we thought it was the onion (which is bad for cats) but when we transfered him from our normal vet to a 24 hour facility they said he has blood in his stomach for some un-known reason.
I am now convinced everyone around me is going to die from cancer in their stomach.
All I can think of is this scene from King Lear
Titus Andronicus: Ha, ha, ha!
Marcus Andronicus. Why dost thou laugh? it fits not with this hour.
Titus Andronicus. Why, I have not another tear to shed:
Besides, this sorrow is an enemy,
And would usurp upon my watery eyes
And make them blind with tributary tears
Dad went to the oncologist today. They pretty much said, keep him happy and watch his blood levels and if he feels any pain, they will change his medication. He cannot go to chemotherapy because some levels don't add up, not to clear what that level is but... my dad is dying.
My cat is now in the hospital as well for exactly the same problem. He ate some hamburger meat and stopped moving around so we thought it was the onion (which is bad for cats) but when we transfered him from our normal vet to a 24 hour facility they said he has blood in his stomach for some un-known reason.
I am now convinced everyone around me is going to die from cancer in their stomach.
All I can think of is this scene from King Lear
Titus Andronicus: Ha, ha, ha!
Marcus Andronicus. Why dost thou laugh? it fits not with this hour.
Titus Andronicus. Why, I have not another tear to shed:
Besides, this sorrow is an enemy,
And would usurp upon my watery eyes
And make them blind with tributary tears
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