Today would have been Dad's 60th birthday and this is the best I can describe how I feel about it...
how bout getting off these antibiotics
how bout stopping eating when I'm full up
how bout them transparent dangling carrots
how bout that ever elusive kudo
thank you < daddy>
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence
how bout me not blaming you for everything
how bout me enjoying the moment for once
how bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
how bout grieving it all one at a time
thank you < daddy>
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence
the moment I let go of it was the moment
I got more than I could handle
the moment I jumped off of it
was the moment I touched down
how bout no longer being masochistic
how bout remembering your divinity
how bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
how bout not equating death with stopping
thank you < daddy>
thank you providence
thank you disillusionment
thank you nothingness
thank you clarity
thank you thank you silence
---
Doesn't mean I'm not taking my klennex box to bed with me.
2.08.2010
1.22.2010
Productive Day
So, the frustrating part of productive days is paying bills. I really dread these days of having a stare down with my checking account. It frees me up to not worry about payments for another month so it's a necessary evil. I'm glad most of my bills are now in mid month instead of 2 years ago when they all where in the beginning of the month and I started out my month with a small amount of money left over. It made me bitter and angry and not want to go out since I know I can't afford it. AT&T is making me pissed off more than it should but that brings me to the better part of productive days like this.
Dance breaks
Pop on the ipod and find the comfy headphones. I'm gonna be rocking around my room while I cross off my TO DO list and write checks. I look ridiculous but only Chase.com knows this and we get together about once a month to get into the groove. Without this ritual I think I might murder some one while I pay my bills. I mean really, how can you get psycho about a phone bill when you're listening to Usher? Don't judge, the kid's got a good voice.
And if things go well, I'll be window shopping on heels.com.
And if things go badly, I'll be window shopping on heels.com
Although I'm feeling the need to drool over some Dior lately.
If there was a doubt that I'm in the wrong field, just look at my web browser history.... LED pars and Christian Dior.
Glad I'm finally feeling secure and at home enough to have a kick ass day alone!
Dance breaks
Pop on the ipod and find the comfy headphones. I'm gonna be rocking around my room while I cross off my TO DO list and write checks. I look ridiculous but only Chase.com knows this and we get together about once a month to get into the groove. Without this ritual I think I might murder some one while I pay my bills. I mean really, how can you get psycho about a phone bill when you're listening to Usher? Don't judge, the kid's got a good voice.
And if things go well, I'll be window shopping on heels.com.
And if things go badly, I'll be window shopping on heels.com
Although I'm feeling the need to drool over some Dior lately.
If there was a doubt that I'm in the wrong field, just look at my web browser history.... LED pars and Christian Dior.
Glad I'm finally feeling secure and at home enough to have a kick ass day alone!
12.25.2009
12.02.2009
Socks and earrings
When I was little I used to watch Punky Bruster in the afternoons and wonder what I could do to be that cool. It started with the bangs and scrunchies. Then came the loud 90's spandex clothes and ridiculous accessories. But something I always had before Punky made it popular was the mis matched socks. To this day, I still do not own a pair of plain white socks (I blame most of this obsession on my Mom, she's always sending me holiday socks, I guess that's her way of mailing me a hug).
Last night after a particularly bad nostalgia night at the bar I had one more beer than I meant to and lost an earring somewhere. I was getting ready for bed tonight and glanced over at the loner still sulking on my dresser and started to wonder if I could mis match earrings like I did socks...
There's nothing particularly wrong with not being perfectly symmetrical, in fact the human body isn't so why should our clothing or accessories be? Who is going to notice? or care? It'd be good conversation and frankly I think it's meant to be.
Just because you lost part of your pair doesn't mean you are worthless, just that you're purpose has changed. Instead of being half of a whole, you're unique. Maybe you'll find another piece that compliments you well but doesn't fit quite as well as the original but who needs to be perfect?
Last night after a particularly bad nostalgia night at the bar I had one more beer than I meant to and lost an earring somewhere. I was getting ready for bed tonight and glanced over at the loner still sulking on my dresser and started to wonder if I could mis match earrings like I did socks...
There's nothing particularly wrong with not being perfectly symmetrical, in fact the human body isn't so why should our clothing or accessories be? Who is going to notice? or care? It'd be good conversation and frankly I think it's meant to be.
Just because you lost part of your pair doesn't mean you are worthless, just that you're purpose has changed. Instead of being half of a whole, you're unique. Maybe you'll find another piece that compliments you well but doesn't fit quite as well as the original but who needs to be perfect?
11.05.2009
San Diego
After two months of living in my hometown I have come to a few realizations.
As much as I love this city I don't ever want to live here again. It will always be home and I am very comforted by just mindlessly driving it's streets on instinct and letting all the memories flood back into my brain. So and so lived in that apartment and I ran out of gas on this block one night, I always took this route to school because it was more adventurous and had less stoplights. Even discovering the new places my friends have called their home in different locals around the county feels natural because it's home and there isn't much of this city I haven't seen at least once. But for whatever reason I feel like a tire spinning it's wheels when I am here. I get too wrapped up in the history of things and spend less time focusing on the future. This town is like a time warp that sent me reeling back 6 years and made it all too easy for me to forget the battle I have almost won in pursuit of my degree.
With that said it should also be noted that I have been struck by this sublime sense of companionship since I moved back down here. It is reassuring to see familiar faces every day. Not that I don't appreciate the friendships I have established up North, they are just different. After surviving the worst year of my life it is relieving to return to those I've depended on for more than two year. People who knew me and my father and understood our relationship and how devastating it was for me to loose him. Someone I don't have to see every day to maintain a relationship with since I barely see them now that I'm in college. Those who support the decisions that make me happy even though they know it will lead me further away from them.
So now my attention should be shifting towards the future. Graduate Studies and life thereafter. Will I return to Southern California? Most likely not. Do I want to stay in the Bay Area or Northern California? I couldn't tell you just yet. Am I entertaining the East Coast again? Certainly. My priorities at the time lead me to the answers I need but I'm starting to run out of idle time and need to keep powering through and find some good results soon. Things that will make me happy that I spent this unplanned time with my family but move me forward in my career and in my life.
But it all started out in San Diego.
As much as I love this city I don't ever want to live here again. It will always be home and I am very comforted by just mindlessly driving it's streets on instinct and letting all the memories flood back into my brain. So and so lived in that apartment and I ran out of gas on this block one night, I always took this route to school because it was more adventurous and had less stoplights. Even discovering the new places my friends have called their home in different locals around the county feels natural because it's home and there isn't much of this city I haven't seen at least once. But for whatever reason I feel like a tire spinning it's wheels when I am here. I get too wrapped up in the history of things and spend less time focusing on the future. This town is like a time warp that sent me reeling back 6 years and made it all too easy for me to forget the battle I have almost won in pursuit of my degree.
With that said it should also be noted that I have been struck by this sublime sense of companionship since I moved back down here. It is reassuring to see familiar faces every day. Not that I don't appreciate the friendships I have established up North, they are just different. After surviving the worst year of my life it is relieving to return to those I've depended on for more than two year. People who knew me and my father and understood our relationship and how devastating it was for me to loose him. Someone I don't have to see every day to maintain a relationship with since I barely see them now that I'm in college. Those who support the decisions that make me happy even though they know it will lead me further away from them.
So now my attention should be shifting towards the future. Graduate Studies and life thereafter. Will I return to Southern California? Most likely not. Do I want to stay in the Bay Area or Northern California? I couldn't tell you just yet. Am I entertaining the East Coast again? Certainly. My priorities at the time lead me to the answers I need but I'm starting to run out of idle time and need to keep powering through and find some good results soon. Things that will make me happy that I spent this unplanned time with my family but move me forward in my career and in my life.
But it all started out in San Diego.
10.24.2009
Just to get sleepy and it worked
1. whats your name spelt backwards?
Dranoc Naej Yllek
2. What did you do last night?
Go to my History class
3. The last thing you downloaded onto your computer?
A rington
4. Have you ever licked a 9 volt battery?
Many times
5. Last time you swam in a pool?
Few weeks ago
6. What are you wearing?
Pajamas
7. How many cars have you owned?
Three. 1992 VW Jetta, 2001 VW Jetta, 1997 Toyota 4runner
8. Type of music you dislike most?
Straight rap
9. Are you registered to vote?
Since 2001
10. Do you have cable?
Yes
11. What kind of computer do you use?
Apple Macbook 13"
12. Ever made a prank phone call?
No, but I have called and hung up.
13. You like anyone right now?
Yes
14. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?
Sky diving
15. Furthest place you ever traveled?
Atlanta, Georgia
16.Do you have a garden?
Not until the deer move out
17. What's your favorite comic strip?
Peanuts
18. Do you know all the words to the national anthem?
Yes
19. Shower, morning or night?
Morning
20. Best movie you've seen in the past month?
I don't think I've actually watched a movie in the past month
21. Favorite pizza toppings?
Hawaiian
22. Chips or popcorn?
Tough choice, popcorn
23. What cell phone provider do you have?
AT& (no last T since they drop half my calls now)
24. Have you ever smoked peanut shells?
No but I knew someone that did and they smelled terrible. :)
25. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?
No
26. Orange Juice or apple?
Another tough one, apple.
27. Who were the last people you sat at lunch with?
My sister
28. favorite chocolate bar?
Milky Way
29. Who is your longest friend and how long?
Ashley, 26 years. Close friend? Julie 12 years. damn.
30. Last time you ate a homegrown tomato?
About a month ago
31. Have you ever won a trophy?
Yes, girl scouts don't discriminate
32.Favorite artist?
What kind of art? Music, painting, design, photography? I guess to be super broad here I could say God.
33. Favorite computer game?
Flash games... Confuse box and circle the cat
34. Ever ordered from an infomercial?
Once, wasn't worth it
35. Sprite or 7-UP?
7-up
36. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to school/work?
School, no. Work, yes and yes
37. Last thing you bought at Walgreens?
When I lived in San Francisco? I think pantyhose
38. Ever thrown up in public?
Yes sir.
39. Would you prefer being a millionaire or finding true love?
Right now... a millionaire
40. Do you believe in love at first sight?
Not really
41.Can exes just be friends?
Certainly not without feelings
42. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?
.........my dad.........
43. Did you have long hair as a young kid?
Yes at 16 it reached my belt.
44. What message is on your voicemail machine?
My voice
45. Where would you like to go right now?
Sleep
46. What was the name of your first pet?
Bailey, a golden
47. What kind of back pack do you have, and what's in it?
Light pink Jansport with the logo upsidedown. I bought it that way...
48. Last incoming/outgoing call on your phone?
My boy
49. What is one thing you are grateful for today?
Balls to go cuss out college kids for parking in the middle of the f***ing street. I hate STDSU
50. What do you think about most?
The future and who or what will be in it.
Dranoc Naej Yllek
2. What did you do last night?
Go to my History class
3. The last thing you downloaded onto your computer?
A rington
4. Have you ever licked a 9 volt battery?
Many times
5. Last time you swam in a pool?
Few weeks ago
6. What are you wearing?
Pajamas
7. How many cars have you owned?
Three. 1992 VW Jetta, 2001 VW Jetta, 1997 Toyota 4runner
8. Type of music you dislike most?
Straight rap
9. Are you registered to vote?
Since 2001
10. Do you have cable?
Yes
11. What kind of computer do you use?
Apple Macbook 13"
12. Ever made a prank phone call?
No, but I have called and hung up.
13. You like anyone right now?
Yes
14. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?
Sky diving
15. Furthest place you ever traveled?
Atlanta, Georgia
16.Do you have a garden?
Not until the deer move out
17. What's your favorite comic strip?
Peanuts
18. Do you know all the words to the national anthem?
Yes
19. Shower, morning or night?
Morning
20. Best movie you've seen in the past month?
I don't think I've actually watched a movie in the past month
21. Favorite pizza toppings?
Hawaiian
22. Chips or popcorn?
Tough choice, popcorn
23. What cell phone provider do you have?
AT& (no last T since they drop half my calls now)
24. Have you ever smoked peanut shells?
No but I knew someone that did and they smelled terrible. :)
25. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?
No
26. Orange Juice or apple?
Another tough one, apple.
27. Who were the last people you sat at lunch with?
My sister
28. favorite chocolate bar?
Milky Way
29. Who is your longest friend and how long?
Ashley, 26 years. Close friend? Julie 12 years. damn.
30. Last time you ate a homegrown tomato?
About a month ago
31. Have you ever won a trophy?
Yes, girl scouts don't discriminate
32.Favorite artist?
What kind of art? Music, painting, design, photography? I guess to be super broad here I could say God.
33. Favorite computer game?
Flash games... Confuse box and circle the cat
34. Ever ordered from an infomercial?
Once, wasn't worth it
35. Sprite or 7-UP?
7-up
36. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to school/work?
School, no. Work, yes and yes
37. Last thing you bought at Walgreens?
When I lived in San Francisco? I think pantyhose
38. Ever thrown up in public?
Yes sir.
39. Would you prefer being a millionaire or finding true love?
Right now... a millionaire
40. Do you believe in love at first sight?
Not really
41.Can exes just be friends?
Certainly not without feelings
42. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?
.........my dad.........
43. Did you have long hair as a young kid?
Yes at 16 it reached my belt.
44. What message is on your voicemail machine?
My voice
45. Where would you like to go right now?
Sleep
46. What was the name of your first pet?
Bailey, a golden
47. What kind of back pack do you have, and what's in it?
Light pink Jansport with the logo upsidedown. I bought it that way...
48. Last incoming/outgoing call on your phone?
My boy
49. What is one thing you are grateful for today?
Balls to go cuss out college kids for parking in the middle of the f***ing street. I hate STDSU
50. What do you think about most?
The future and who or what will be in it.
9.15.2009
Mini Coopers and American Sports
Today was possibly one of the worst nights I've had since April.
I watched the Chargers game alone for the first 2 hours. He would have been there. He would have seen...
I've been let down before but why is this so much more heart wrenching than before. Is it because I've realized how desperately I need my close friends? How much I missed my hometown? How much it hurts that my boy doesn't want to attempt to see me down here? How epic it is to be here without Him? How he's not ever coming home... How much I really am numb to everything...
San Diego won
but I lost
and I won.
I had a few drinks with an old friend and mentor. Venting and cursing feels good, especially with a pint in your hand and the promise of a damn good rolled taco afterwards.
Thankgod
for
life.
It's a trip that everyone should try and a story that will never grow old.
I watched the Chargers game alone for the first 2 hours. He would have been there. He would have seen...
I've been let down before but why is this so much more heart wrenching than before. Is it because I've realized how desperately I need my close friends? How much I missed my hometown? How much it hurts that my boy doesn't want to attempt to see me down here? How epic it is to be here without Him? How he's not ever coming home... How much I really am numb to everything...
San Diego won
but I lost
and I won.
I had a few drinks with an old friend and mentor. Venting and cursing feels good, especially with a pint in your hand and the promise of a damn good rolled taco afterwards.
Thankgod
for
life.
It's a trip that everyone should try and a story that will never grow old.
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