Selfish quiet

Sometimes you just have to be selfish.

For no other reason than self preservation.

I need quiet time to get reading done. I can't comprehend or remember any reading I do with a TV in front of me, or in the other room of that tiny *open floorplan* house.

So, I sit in a local coffee shop drinking a soy chai, wishing I was home in San Diego. Days like this I miss my bedroom at my parents house, miss Cosmos, my second home and most sacred place.

I miss the comfortable silence.

I want my hair to do this

If you give a mouse a cookie.

That's it, I'm buying a curling iron.

I have tried, unsuccessfully for the past hour to put my hair up into those stupid velcro hair curlers. The package says "Self gripping rollers". I am not convinced, you must have some kind of texture to your hair in the first place before you try to self grip this puppies to your head. Not to mention that once they do anything outside of a straight line to your skull they create the most wicked knots in my preciously thin hair. ouch, no good. So I'm going to Rite Aid to buy a curler and I'll probably break down and buy that straightener I've been talking myself out of for the last month, oh and Valentine's Day is coming so I'll of course have to look at the cards, then you know, that's always an excuse to get my favorite Dove chocolates and then I'll want a fish and an aquarium and ...

ohmygod, see what happens when you give a girl a nice dress, she feels the need to style her hair and then can't so she buys a curler and a...

Getting a degree

is a lot more work that I thought. First I had to find the commitment in myself to actually attend classes and do homework, then I had to have the presence of mind to actually plan classes out and decide what path I was taking. Once I got over that craziness then I had the balls to challenge myself to apply to a UC school instead of just defaulting to a State school like so many of my other hometown friends. After making that jump I had like monthly meetings with my counselor to make sure I was still on track. Had to put in an application for IGETC then apply for those UC schools oh and apply to graduate for my AA (which I didn't get anyway but that's a post for some other time). Okay, now I finally get accepted to a UC school but there's a million hick-ups there too and it's everything I learned at CC all over again just with less time. Quarter system is still kicking my ass, I don't understand how it's possible or even acceptable to assign over 50 pages of reading due in a day and a half. I know I sound like a wimp but, come on, I'm a theatre major... I don't read and theorize... I effing do it. I appreciate history and the classics, there are a few outspoken writers I will listen to but, again the lights don't just come up on their own (enough about theory already). If it took you 4 hours to read a book don't ever assume it will take any college student less time, if anything assume it will take more, especially if you want them to understand it enough to discuss it in class, end of subject.
Then there was Grad school. Reducing every glorious and horrifying detail of my daily battle to finish my undergraduate degree into 12 pages of grades and income and talent and ability to follow instructions. Why in the name of Oedipus Rex do I want to continue attempting to care about readings and papers when I know that on the other side of a $70 application there is three times as much work and at the same ludicrously fast paced quarter system pace? How can I stand seeing everything I've worked so hard to achieve be paired down to an application and an essay.

I guess you could say I'm being complacent...

But I'm not really pleased with the work I've been doing lately. I mean... it became so unexciting once I got to the university. It's all form and structure and proper ways of doing things. Maybe I became too bland. It's stupid to say but I really miss really good poor theatre and I hate what I've been working in, really bad well (okay decently) financed theatre. I hope Faggot Arabesque (the next show I'm working on) teaches me how to love theatre again.
I wouldn't be surprised if my recent application to Dream school wasn't passionate enough to get me in. If it is based on grades and number of productions and portfolio alone I would already be in but if the statement of purpose holds any weight I'm totally screwed. It's hard to write a page or two about how passionate you are about your career when you aren't even sure why you are still in it, that and I hate being fake. I hate saying Lighting Design is all I've ever thought about doing because it's a complete and utter lie. I've thought about doing everything in theatre and more recently nothing.

And this is the part that scares me the most.

I've thought about leaving for a little while. What has this university done to my spirit?
I can't control it anymore but I need to finish what I started.

A bit deep for not posting in over a month. Maybe I'll be better in a few weeks after some of the shows get underway. Right now I'm stuck with this stupid Dramatic Theories class I'm taking (that makes me mad and close minded rather than enlightened and logical like I'm sure it's supposta) and another reading heavy Ancient Drama course. At least I balanced it out with a Drawing class. It's nice to not think and just stare at shapes and spaces twice a week.

So I leave you with this:


Two things I did learn to do in College:
Jump higher and now faster and now through this hoop and now through this one on fire...
and
Grab a spoon and a cartoon of Ice Cream and say eff it all...
which is what I'll be doing right now