He makes me happier than I could ever say. I love that boy.


I am home to hang out with my dad this week and get some much needed support from some old friends. I don't know why but the sympathy and offers of help I get from all these people that have been in my life for less than a year feel kind of empty. I know they mean well and there are some who genuinely care (I got sick a few days ago and I mentioned I wanted some apple juice and my housemate brought some home that night, he's not all bad) but they didn't know my dad or know our relationship so it's hard for them to comprehend the heaviness that this is.

Talked to my ex the other day about the cat. Though he never really cared for my cat he did live with him for a year so I felt it was important to tell him. We had a good chat and caught up on the world... looks like he's moving to the East coast soon and I doubt we'll talk after that. I think we're both okay with that.

Got to see my friend's little boy when he picked me up from the airport. This friend is amazing... he's the only one who has ever picked me up from the airport since I moved north. Seeing kids right now makes me kind of melancholy. I'm happy to see new and full life but at the same time really really sad that I might not be able to share that same experience in my life with my Daddy.

I'm not sure he'll make it the rest of the year. But greater miracles have happened and I am blessed for every day that I still have him.

Sister went to Disneyland for her boyfriend's birthday today. Her birthday is on Wednesday... I am researching presents and everyone seems to be real excited about happy family time.

I love family time even more now and I'm not sure how that was even possible.



Diablo, my cat died at 4am yesterday.

He was loosing blood at an alarming rate so around midnight the all night Dr called and asked if we would like to go ahead with surgery, just to see what was there. He called after the surgery and reported that Diablo had multiple huge spots on his liver, one of them had ruptured and was causing the bleeding in his stomach. We decided the best thing to do would be to not wake him from the surgery.

Everything happened so fast and I still can't quite process it. The only regret I have is that I wasn't there when he went into surgery. I'm sure he was scared, I was scared. I couldn't stop shivering after talking to the doctor.

We brought him home after going to breakfast and buried him in a sunny spot in the yard not far up the hillside from the house. It give my heart peace to know that he is still around but it hurts more somehow. I feel like he's lost for a few days and he'll be home soon.

Maybe he's not lost. I hope he's in the sun lounging or draping his front legs over the back of a big chair near a fireplace in heaven. I miss you Bubba.

RIP Diablo
October 2003 - March 2009


I have not another tear to shed

I have no words for the last month I have had.

Dad went to the oncologist today. They pretty much said, keep him happy and watch his blood levels and if he feels any pain, they will change his medication. He cannot go to chemotherapy because some levels don't add up, not to clear what that level is but... my dad is dying.

My cat is now in the hospital as well for exactly the same problem. He ate some hamburger meat and stopped moving around so we thought it was the onion (which is bad for cats) but when we transfered him from our normal vet to a 24 hour facility they said he has blood in his stomach for some un-known reason.

I am now convinced everyone around me is going to die from cancer in their stomach.

All I can think of is this scene from King Lear
Titus Andronicus: Ha, ha, ha!

Marcus Andronicus. Why dost thou laugh? it fits not with this hour.

Titus Andronicus. Why, I have not another tear to shed:
Besides, this sorrow is an enemy,
And would usurp upon my watery eyes
And make them blind with tributary tears


This summer to do list

I should really reorganize my digital photos, print a bunch and delete the ones that I don't need. My picasa is getting a bit full and my iPhoto is even worse. What good are pictures if you don't print them or use them right? Project!

Rite Aid has pretty reasonable prices for digital printing and I'm sure I've got a free photo album kicking around somewhere. This will go along great with my other summer projects of moving to Davis and restoring the 1955 Chevy we just bought. Ha.

In other news, put a deposit on a truck! It's super clean and low mileage. We do the paperwork and such Tuesday! Excited!



Just so everyone is on the same page let me recap the last two weeks of my life for you.

I am finishing up my 2nd to last quarter at UC and on Wednesday, February 25th I was leaving for class and got into a horrible head on collision two blocks away from my house. The VW Jetta we had just made the last payment on in January is now totaled. I'm beginning to think that I was never meant to own a vehicle because every time I do they get totaled. I have one burn on the back of my left hand from the airbag deploying and my left knee hit the dash and made a beautiful purple bruise.

Thursday, the 26th of February I got a message from Dream School saying that I have been accepted for their Graduate Studies in Dramatic Arts. There are about 50-60 applicants for the Dramatic Arts program a year, around a dozen for my emphasis and when I interviewed with the professors in October they told me only one applicant is accepted a year. So, I am the one out of twelve (or sixty).

Friday the 27th I got a phone call back from my mom. Things were not looking good for my dad, she said he had lost a lot of weigh and didn't have an appatitite. They're waiting on test results.

Saturday and Sunday, February 28th and March 1st I was in tech for the most ridiculous and collaborative show I have ever worked on. I had my girl Becca with me so everything was a lot more manageable. She is my sunshine, my only sunshine...

Fast forward to Wednesday March 4th. Around 5pm I get a phone call from my mom saying my sister took my dad to a blood test and they called back saying he must be admitted to the hospital immediately. His blood count was so low they had to give him a blood transfusion right away. She was shaking on the phone when she told me that someone had approached her to ask if they had been counseled for cancer. This was the first time any one had ever said that word. I called Eric to book me a flight home for Friday.

Thursday: Originally the doctors were describing a type of rare cancer that starts at the endocrine system or your hormones and glands. It is unstoppable and no one has survived from it. Dad had a piece of blood mass taken out of his stomach and they sent it to biopsy.
He has had 5 pints of blood put in so far, the human body contains 8.

Friday: My car got towed away. I got in a car, on a plane, in a car, home, in a car and to the hospital. My dad still looks like my dad, just like he's aged 20 years in about 3 months and lost 50 pounds. It is relieving to see him and my family it is un-nerving to start dealing with everything and every one. At this time we have determined their is bleeding in his stomach from the cancer, it will damage one of his kidneys and there is most likely some cancer in one of his testicles. An ambulance took him to a radiation consultation and treatment session. We were fortunate to get both done so quickly. While Dana and I are there the doctor comes in and says that if Dad keeps a stable about of blood for 48 hours he can come home.

Saturday: At this point have talked to about half of my extended family because every time my mom gets on the phone she cries and she is at the hospital at 5:45am to be ready for the second transport to radiation treatment downtown. She sent out an email inviting anyone who "has a burning desire to mow my lawn, feel free". I had already previously called my most local uncle to come down and take care of some housework for his sister. So after some light grocery shopping with my sister, Randy and I are trying to figure out how to restring my dad's weed wacker when two old family friends, Chris Innis and Craig Carlson show up in their pickup truck full of 2 weed wackers, a blower, and a lawn mower. It takes half an hour for 3 guys to do what would have taken Randy and I all day. It was so surreal and all I could think of to say was thank you. In the back of my mind "You Find Out Who Your Friends Are" by Tracy Lawrence lyrics kept floating around. I send Dana to relieve Mom so she can get a nap and when I finally get to the hospital Dad is off his IV and sitting in the chair in his room watching a movie with Dana. Good. I'm there when they take his blood pressure and oxygen level. Improving. Might go home tomorrow.

Today: Dana and I get up early (again) to go to church. The pastor of the church my parents have been attending for the last year has been to the hospital twice to see Dad. They have a ministry called Squares and Prayers. They make quilts to give to bless those who are sick or in need, each knot on the blanket is tied by a church member who has said a prayer just for you. They dedicate the quilt during Wednesday night’s Lent service. The pastor took it to 2 Bible studies and then brought it to my dad in the hospital. Dad is eternally grateful; I have just learned that the quilt went with him to radiation. Pastor Dave also came to the hospital on Saturday to give my parents communion. I just wanted to thank this man in person for being so present and helpful, giving, and full of the love of God. They prayed for Dad out loud in the service and it hit me like a ton of bricks. My dad has cancer. It was okay for the family and friends to say it but to hear the other pastor, some one I barely know say his name and say the word cancer finally made it real.
Dana and I get home and start washing Dad’s truck. Mom calls and says they are ready to leave, I’ve never been so happy to wash a car as fast as I possibly can in my life. I go to the hospital to switch cars with Mom and pick up some stuff for Dad at the pharmacy. I’m smiling the whole way.

We, as a family have decided to live it one day at a time. Today and tomorrow is all we need to worry about right now. Getting him home and keeping him rested and going to radiation.

We are humbled, blessed and a family.

Thank you to all who prayed for us during this time of severe need but the battle is not over. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers while we find out what this cancer thing is all about and how to keep living one day at a time.