A hug from Danny

I miss him and it's hard without him but we can do it.


Socks and earrings

When I was little I used to watch Punky Bruster in the afternoons and wonder what I could do to be that cool. It started with the bangs and scrunchies. Then came the loud 90's spandex clothes and ridiculous accessories. But something I always had before Punky made it popular was the mis matched socks. To this day, I still do not own a pair of plain white socks (I blame most of this obsession on my Mom, she's always sending me holiday socks, I guess that's her way of mailing me a hug).
Last night after a particularly bad nostalgia night at the bar I had one more beer than I meant to and lost an earring somewhere. I was getting ready for bed tonight and glanced over at the loner still sulking on my dresser and started to wonder if I could mis match earrings like I did socks...
There's nothing particularly wrong with not being perfectly symmetrical, in fact the human body isn't so why should our clothing or accessories be? Who is going to notice? or care? It'd be good conversation and frankly I think it's meant to be.

Just because you lost part of your pair doesn't mean you are worthless, just that you're purpose has changed. Instead of being half of a whole, you're unique. Maybe you'll find another piece that compliments you well but doesn't fit quite as well as the original but who needs to be perfect?


San Diego

After two months of living in my hometown I have come to a few realizations.

As much as I love this city I don't ever want to live here again. It will always be home and I am very comforted by just mindlessly driving it's streets on instinct and letting all the memories flood back into my brain. So and so lived in that apartment and I ran out of gas on this block one night, I always took this route to school because it was more adventurous and had less stoplights. Even discovering the new places my friends have called their home in different locals around the county feels natural because it's home and there isn't much of this city I haven't seen at least once. But for whatever reason I feel like a tire spinning it's wheels when I am here. I get too wrapped up in the history of things and spend less time focusing on the future. This town is like a time warp that sent me reeling back 6 years and made it all too easy for me to forget the battle I have almost won in pursuit of my degree.
With that said it should also be noted that I have been struck by this sublime sense of companionship since I moved back down here. It is reassuring to see familiar faces every day. Not that I don't appreciate the friendships I have established up North, they are just different. After surviving the worst year of my life it is relieving to return to those I've depended on for more than two year. People who knew me and my father and understood our relationship and how devastating it was for me to loose him. Someone I don't have to see every day to maintain a relationship with since I barely see them now that I'm in college. Those who support the decisions that make me happy even though they know it will lead me further away from them.
So now my attention should be shifting towards the future. Graduate Studies and life thereafter. Will I return to Southern California? Most likely not. Do I want to stay in the Bay Area or Northern California? I couldn't tell you just yet. Am I entertaining the East Coast again? Certainly. My priorities at the time lead me to the answers I need but I'm starting to run out of idle time and need to keep powering through and find some good results soon. Things that will make me happy that I spent this unplanned time with my family but move me forward in my career and in my life.
But it all started out in San Diego.


Just to get sleepy and it worked

1. whats your name spelt backwards?
Dranoc Naej Yllek

2. What did you do last night?
Go to my History class

3. The last thing you downloaded onto your computer?
A rington

4. Have you ever licked a 9 volt battery?
Many times

5. Last time you swam in a pool?
Few weeks ago

6. What are you wearing?

7. How many cars have you owned?
Three. 1992 VW Jetta, 2001 VW Jetta, 1997 Toyota 4runner

8. Type of music you dislike most?
Straight rap

9. Are you registered to vote?
Since 2001

10. Do you have cable?

11. What kind of computer do you use?
Apple Macbook 13"

12. Ever made a prank phone call?
No, but I have called and hung up.

13. You like anyone right now?

14. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?
Sky diving

15. Furthest place you ever traveled?
Atlanta, Georgia

16.Do you have a garden?
Not until the deer move out

17. What's your favorite comic strip?

18. Do you know all the words to the national anthem?

19. Shower, morning or night?

20. Best movie you've seen in the past month?
I don't think I've actually watched a movie in the past month

21. Favorite pizza toppings?

22. Chips or popcorn?
Tough choice, popcorn

23. What cell phone provider do you have?
AT& (no last T since they drop half my calls now)

24. Have you ever smoked peanut shells?
No but I knew someone that did and they smelled terrible. :)

25. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?

26. Orange Juice or apple?
Another tough one, apple.

27. Who were the last people you sat at lunch with?
My sister

28. favorite chocolate bar?
Milky Way

29. Who is your longest friend and how long?
Ashley, 26 years. Close friend? Julie 12 years. damn.

30. Last time you ate a homegrown tomato?
About a month ago

31. Have you ever won a trophy?
Yes, girl scouts don't discriminate

32.Favorite artist?
What kind of art? Music, painting, design, photography? I guess to be super broad here I could say God.

33. Favorite computer game?
Flash games... Confuse box and circle the cat

34. Ever ordered from an infomercial?
Once, wasn't worth it

35. Sprite or 7-UP?

36. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to school/work?
School, no. Work, yes and yes

37. Last thing you bought at Walgreens?
When I lived in San Francisco? I think pantyhose

38. Ever thrown up in public?
Yes sir.

39. Would you prefer being a millionaire or finding true love?
Right now... a millionaire

40. Do you believe in love at first sight?
Not really

41.Can exes just be friends?
Certainly not without feelings

42. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?
.........my dad.........

43. Did you have long hair as a young kid?
Yes at 16 it reached my belt.

44. What message is on your voicemail machine?
My voice

45. Where would you like to go right now?

46. What was the name of your first pet?
Bailey, a golden

47. What kind of back pack do you have, and what's in it?
Light pink Jansport with the logo upsidedown. I bought it that way...

48. Last incoming/outgoing call on your phone?
My boy

49. What is one thing you are grateful for today?
Balls to go cuss out college kids for parking in the middle of the f***ing street. I hate STDSU

50. What do you think about most?
The future and who or what will be in it.


Mini Coopers and American Sports

Today was possibly one of the worst nights I've had since April.

I watched the Chargers game alone for the first 2 hours. He would have been there. He would have seen...

I've been let down before but why is this so much more heart wrenching than before. Is it because I've realized how desperately I need my close friends? How much I missed my hometown? How much it hurts that my boy doesn't want to attempt to see me down here? How epic it is to be here without Him? How he's not ever coming home... How much I really am numb to everything...

San Diego won
but I lost

and I won.
I had a few drinks with an old friend and mentor. Venting and cursing feels good, especially with a pint in your hand and the promise of a damn good rolled taco afterwards.


It's a trip that everyone should try and a story that will never grow old.


My heart belongs to you

"She prays for him every night. She hopes that he can hear her."
White Trash Beautiful - Everlast
I miss my daddy.

I've had a very full week. I started paid work with the company on Monday. I graduated college, I'm preparing for grad school...

but I as soon as the car door closes and I'm on my way home my mind can't help but go to all the places it hasn't been in a while. The spots where it hurts, where it's unsettled. Where my heart has a hole in it.

I guess the most I can say is that what I know, my dad knows and I can feel that he's proud of me. But it doesn't make it any easier not to want to grab the phone and call him just to hear his voice. To know he's there, to hear the words.

My dad wasn't much for words but the few he said were powerful and true.

"I wish you could have meet my dad, you're a lot like him and he'd be proud of you." Letter from my dad on my High School graduation 2001

"She prays for him every night. She hopes that he can hear her."


aint it funny

how today we have time for things we didn't feel like doing yesterday?

Wanna know what is NOT funny?

How NO ONE from my college will respond to my emails. Two out of the three academic advisors at Oakes I need to talk to are on vacation. WTF. Who said it was a good idea to take a vacation right before your job basically ends? You couldn't wait the two weeks? F minus. Seriously.


Need a dog

I have decided I need a dog. If I move to Davis without anyone or anything to look forward to come home to it might kill me. I need a friend.


Today's panic attack

I'm screwed, I'm so stressed. Why did I think I could do this? I'm so screwed. I can't do it. I need to talk to about eighty million people to figure out one simple thing and all I want to do is give my HS transcripts to someone. Preferably the right person so I don't have to do this again and get even more screwed. I have nothing accomplished. I'm freaking out. I haven't done my reading for class at 4pm. I had 2 people stay at my house this weekend and it messed me all up. I get the feeling you don't really want to be at graduation, like it's taking too much effort. I'm so afraid I'm not going to meet any of my requirements to graduate. It costs $40 to apply, the deadline was last month. Davis needs a bunch of paperwork too. Like tomorrow. I won't be able to go to Davis if I can't finish this stupid audit. My advisor hasn't answered any of my 3 emails. I need help from god knows who. Where did the month of April go? Why is it already June. I need to write exactly 4 papers in less than a week and see a show at Berkeley Rep and participate in a dance show. I don't even know if my Department Chair will still sign my waiver for my last class I need for my major.

I need my Daddy.
< crying now >

And now I'm mentally done for the rest of the day and it's only 2pm. fantastic.


Day Three

I'm having a hard time today.

I love and miss my family more than I can ever express in words but today they are getting on my nerves.

I've been really glad to get re-acquainted with my cousin but today she started chatting with me on facebook and the first thing she asked is when I'll be coming out to see her then she asked if I had gotten everything together at school. Not even close. My uncle wants pictures from the weekend, my mom wants a flight booked to come see me and asked why I haven't seen counseling yet.

I'm trying really really REALLY hard to not crawl into the corner of my office and start sobbing.

I had a full day of classes on Tuesday and today. By full I mean 8am to 6pm. My truck's check engine light came back on so I had to deal with that yesterday.

I cannot fix everything in one day.
Nor do I want to. I'm choosing to take one subject a day so I don't get too overwhelmed and anxious like I'm feeling right now. This is incredibly hard as it is and I don't need my family, those who are supposed to support me through this, attack me as soon as I leave their sight. I'm not just sitting around the house waiting to hear from them again. I'm working really really hard at keeping my life somewhat afloat right now.

Please, just cut me some slack.


Little plastic castle is a surprise every time.

I need to see my family. I'm glad I'm flying down for Easter this weekend. As aggrivating as it is to drive to San Jose and get on a plane, it is worth it every single time. How I view my interaction with my family is reduced to the little things I took for granted when I was a kid. A cup of tea with my mom, holding my dad's hand during church, making silly notes for my sister to find.
It comes in phases. Some days I am really strong and don't think for a second about cancer. Other days, like today, my dad is the only thing I can think about. I go to class and continue to keep my appointments because I want to keep achieving the things I love, which is what I think he has always wanted me to do. I've been trying to focus my gaze on the celebration of death, the beauty of fulling your time and purpose in life. But some days I can't stop thinking about how I soon won't have my daddy anymore. So I guess this post is to continue my search for a good perspective...

They say goldfish have no memory
I guess their lives are much like mine
And the little plastic castle is a surprise every time

one day at a time, one goal at a time, one moment at a time.


He makes me happier than I could ever say. I love that boy.


I am home to hang out with my dad this week and get some much needed support from some old friends. I don't know why but the sympathy and offers of help I get from all these people that have been in my life for less than a year feel kind of empty. I know they mean well and there are some who genuinely care (I got sick a few days ago and I mentioned I wanted some apple juice and my housemate brought some home that night, he's not all bad) but they didn't know my dad or know our relationship so it's hard for them to comprehend the heaviness that this is.

Talked to my ex the other day about the cat. Though he never really cared for my cat he did live with him for a year so I felt it was important to tell him. We had a good chat and caught up on the world... looks like he's moving to the East coast soon and I doubt we'll talk after that. I think we're both okay with that.

Got to see my friend's little boy when he picked me up from the airport. This friend is amazing... he's the only one who has ever picked me up from the airport since I moved north. Seeing kids right now makes me kind of melancholy. I'm happy to see new and full life but at the same time really really sad that I might not be able to share that same experience in my life with my Daddy.

I'm not sure he'll make it the rest of the year. But greater miracles have happened and I am blessed for every day that I still have him.

Sister went to Disneyland for her boyfriend's birthday today. Her birthday is on Wednesday... I am researching presents and everyone seems to be real excited about happy family time.

I love family time even more now and I'm not sure how that was even possible.



Diablo, my cat died at 4am yesterday.

He was loosing blood at an alarming rate so around midnight the all night Dr called and asked if we would like to go ahead with surgery, just to see what was there. He called after the surgery and reported that Diablo had multiple huge spots on his liver, one of them had ruptured and was causing the bleeding in his stomach. We decided the best thing to do would be to not wake him from the surgery.

Everything happened so fast and I still can't quite process it. The only regret I have is that I wasn't there when he went into surgery. I'm sure he was scared, I was scared. I couldn't stop shivering after talking to the doctor.

We brought him home after going to breakfast and buried him in a sunny spot in the yard not far up the hillside from the house. It give my heart peace to know that he is still around but it hurts more somehow. I feel like he's lost for a few days and he'll be home soon.

Maybe he's not lost. I hope he's in the sun lounging or draping his front legs over the back of a big chair near a fireplace in heaven. I miss you Bubba.

RIP Diablo
October 2003 - March 2009


I have not another tear to shed

I have no words for the last month I have had.

Dad went to the oncologist today. They pretty much said, keep him happy and watch his blood levels and if he feels any pain, they will change his medication. He cannot go to chemotherapy because some levels don't add up, not to clear what that level is but... my dad is dying.

My cat is now in the hospital as well for exactly the same problem. He ate some hamburger meat and stopped moving around so we thought it was the onion (which is bad for cats) but when we transfered him from our normal vet to a 24 hour facility they said he has blood in his stomach for some un-known reason.

I am now convinced everyone around me is going to die from cancer in their stomach.

All I can think of is this scene from King Lear
Titus Andronicus: Ha, ha, ha!

Marcus Andronicus. Why dost thou laugh? it fits not with this hour.

Titus Andronicus. Why, I have not another tear to shed:
Besides, this sorrow is an enemy,
And would usurp upon my watery eyes
And make them blind with tributary tears


This summer to do list

I should really reorganize my digital photos, print a bunch and delete the ones that I don't need. My picasa is getting a bit full and my iPhoto is even worse. What good are pictures if you don't print them or use them right? Project!

Rite Aid has pretty reasonable prices for digital printing and I'm sure I've got a free photo album kicking around somewhere. This will go along great with my other summer projects of moving to Davis and restoring the 1955 Chevy we just bought. Ha.

In other news, put a deposit on a truck! It's super clean and low mileage. We do the paperwork and such Tuesday! Excited!



Just so everyone is on the same page let me recap the last two weeks of my life for you.

I am finishing up my 2nd to last quarter at UC and on Wednesday, February 25th I was leaving for class and got into a horrible head on collision two blocks away from my house. The VW Jetta we had just made the last payment on in January is now totaled. I'm beginning to think that I was never meant to own a vehicle because every time I do they get totaled. I have one burn on the back of my left hand from the airbag deploying and my left knee hit the dash and made a beautiful purple bruise.

Thursday, the 26th of February I got a message from Dream School saying that I have been accepted for their Graduate Studies in Dramatic Arts. There are about 50-60 applicants for the Dramatic Arts program a year, around a dozen for my emphasis and when I interviewed with the professors in October they told me only one applicant is accepted a year. So, I am the one out of twelve (or sixty).

Friday the 27th I got a phone call back from my mom. Things were not looking good for my dad, she said he had lost a lot of weigh and didn't have an appatitite. They're waiting on test results.

Saturday and Sunday, February 28th and March 1st I was in tech for the most ridiculous and collaborative show I have ever worked on. I had my girl Becca with me so everything was a lot more manageable. She is my sunshine, my only sunshine...

Fast forward to Wednesday March 4th. Around 5pm I get a phone call from my mom saying my sister took my dad to a blood test and they called back saying he must be admitted to the hospital immediately. His blood count was so low they had to give him a blood transfusion right away. She was shaking on the phone when she told me that someone had approached her to ask if they had been counseled for cancer. This was the first time any one had ever said that word. I called Eric to book me a flight home for Friday.

Thursday: Originally the doctors were describing a type of rare cancer that starts at the endocrine system or your hormones and glands. It is unstoppable and no one has survived from it. Dad had a piece of blood mass taken out of his stomach and they sent it to biopsy.
He has had 5 pints of blood put in so far, the human body contains 8.

Friday: My car got towed away. I got in a car, on a plane, in a car, home, in a car and to the hospital. My dad still looks like my dad, just like he's aged 20 years in about 3 months and lost 50 pounds. It is relieving to see him and my family it is un-nerving to start dealing with everything and every one. At this time we have determined their is bleeding in his stomach from the cancer, it will damage one of his kidneys and there is most likely some cancer in one of his testicles. An ambulance took him to a radiation consultation and treatment session. We were fortunate to get both done so quickly. While Dana and I are there the doctor comes in and says that if Dad keeps a stable about of blood for 48 hours he can come home.

Saturday: At this point have talked to about half of my extended family because every time my mom gets on the phone she cries and she is at the hospital at 5:45am to be ready for the second transport to radiation treatment downtown. She sent out an email inviting anyone who "has a burning desire to mow my lawn, feel free". I had already previously called my most local uncle to come down and take care of some housework for his sister. So after some light grocery shopping with my sister, Randy and I are trying to figure out how to restring my dad's weed wacker when two old family friends, Chris Innis and Craig Carlson show up in their pickup truck full of 2 weed wackers, a blower, and a lawn mower. It takes half an hour for 3 guys to do what would have taken Randy and I all day. It was so surreal and all I could think of to say was thank you. In the back of my mind "You Find Out Who Your Friends Are" by Tracy Lawrence lyrics kept floating around. I send Dana to relieve Mom so she can get a nap and when I finally get to the hospital Dad is off his IV and sitting in the chair in his room watching a movie with Dana. Good. I'm there when they take his blood pressure and oxygen level. Improving. Might go home tomorrow.

Today: Dana and I get up early (again) to go to church. The pastor of the church my parents have been attending for the last year has been to the hospital twice to see Dad. They have a ministry called Squares and Prayers. They make quilts to give to bless those who are sick or in need, each knot on the blanket is tied by a church member who has said a prayer just for you. They dedicate the quilt during Wednesday night’s Lent service. The pastor took it to 2 Bible studies and then brought it to my dad in the hospital. Dad is eternally grateful; I have just learned that the quilt went with him to radiation. Pastor Dave also came to the hospital on Saturday to give my parents communion. I just wanted to thank this man in person for being so present and helpful, giving, and full of the love of God. They prayed for Dad out loud in the service and it hit me like a ton of bricks. My dad has cancer. It was okay for the family and friends to say it but to hear the other pastor, some one I barely know say his name and say the word cancer finally made it real.
Dana and I get home and start washing Dad’s truck. Mom calls and says they are ready to leave, I’ve never been so happy to wash a car as fast as I possibly can in my life. I go to the hospital to switch cars with Mom and pick up some stuff for Dad at the pharmacy. I’m smiling the whole way.

We, as a family have decided to live it one day at a time. Today and tomorrow is all we need to worry about right now. Getting him home and keeping him rested and going to radiation.

We are humbled, blessed and a family.

Thank you to all who prayed for us during this time of severe need but the battle is not over. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers while we find out what this cancer thing is all about and how to keep living one day at a time.


Dream School update

Might be accepted to Dream School. I got an email from the graduate advisor saying the faculty was impressed with my application and will be recommending me for their program to the Graduate Studies.
I think this means I'm through the first hurtle and now I just have to wait for my transcripts to check out. I will know by 8pm on the 28th.

Here's hoping I dotted all my i's and crossed all my t's.



I can't concentrate enough to do homework. My dad went to Urgent Care tonight. We don't know what's wrong with him but it might be something with his liver.

It hurts and I'm praying, that's all I can do from 500 miles away.

On another topic, my department chair asked to speak with me for a few minutes today after work. He, in so many words, asked me to step out of the design I have coming up next quarter to assist him on a show in San Jose and to design a fund raiser for Shakespeare.
It comes down to weather or not I really want to be a lighting designer. Do I further my career with two more good marks on my resume or do I have fun with my friends on my last show at this campus?
Everything I think about tonight hurts in some way or another. Maybe I'll just go to bed now and listen to the rain fall.

I lie in an early bed
thinking late thoughts
waiting for the black to replace my blue


Desks and tables

I want a real desk. I have college furniture. It's all miss matched and easy to move. I currently have one tall bookshelf, one shorter bookshelf, a filing cabinet and a square table I got from a previous employer. That's it. Nothing permanent or special. I've tried my hardest to organize appropriately but there is a limit to how many boxes and bins one can have in two bookshelves and how much crap one can pile on top of a desk.
I feel like I've cleaned out as much as I can. There just isn't a coherent design or space to be artistic. I hate it.

I need a drafting table with drawers. Maybe I'll build my own...

Great, another thing to distract me from doing my homework, or is it? maybe I could put it in my drawing pad and claim it for the drawing class. Ohh, I like it.

Signs I'm in my twenties...

I think I'm an adult now

I'm buying expensive but practical gifts for my loved ones
I'm gathering my W2's and thinking about getting someone else to do them for me because they are so complicated
I'm doing price comparison for stainless steel gas ranges online
My desk is a mess and I have no intention of cleaning it any time
I bought $150 worth of groceries last night
I have some chicken defrosting in the fridge
I clean when I'm not even thinking about it
I can type faster than I have ever been able to
I'm remembering to get paper, information, and things I need before the day before I need them.
I'm eating grapes as my afternoon snack before dinner

I think I'm still a kid

I got to my car after classes today only to drop my backpack and pull out my camera and sit on a hillside and take pictures of the view
I waved to a stranger and they waved back.
I colored a draft of my plot in class while I listened to the discussion
I spent 2 hours of my day drawing in a room that had many toys to distract me and many adults to talk to
I talk to my cat while he plays with a grape I dropped at my feet
I'm listening to music while I organize my tax information
My mom sent me some money without asking her for any
I got excited when I saw her handwriting in the mailbox
I blew off my plans to be productive while walking away from class to sit in the sun with friends and giggle


Thursday morning rain

It's 10 minutes until my dreaded Theory class and I'm sitting alone in the classroom.

It's raining, there was a 32 page reading due... I'm not surprised no one is here, in fact, I will be amazed if anyone at all shows up. Excluding the teacher, of course.

So here's my to do list for the rest of this quarter:
1. Attend the ONE and only production meeting we might be having at 3pm today. The director hates production meetings but the staff is freaking out because they need to have their numbers time and feel like they have made some kind of headway on a faculty directed show.
2. Make my drafting software work. They cancelled my license even though I don't graduate until the spring. I've been playing phone email tag with one of the customer service reps. They're on the East Coast... I got a phone call at 7:45 this morning. Hopefully everything will work out by the end of today. We shall see...
3. Finish my light plot a week ahead of schedule so I can present it to my department head (and chair)'s "baby" lights class. I'm done with the rough plot. I need to finish all the paperwork that goes with it. The chores of being a "Golden Child".
4. Re-send my high school transcripts to UCSC so I can apply to graduate next quarter.
5. Organize our graduation light show. AND find some Juniors to strike all these things because I AM NOT going up to the grid in a dress.
6. Send brown nosing email to panel that interviewed me at Dream School inviting them to see this no-production show opening night.
7. Add a class I forgot to sign up for by petition. This requires like 18 signatures a trip to the Evilness that is the Hahn Student Center and $10 for being a dumb ass.
8. Actually apply myself to my drawing class. I am enjoying what I'm doing but I know I could learn more from it.
9. Talk to theory teacher about midterm ideas. Start said midterm, attempt to turn in draft, fail, submit crappy essay at very last minute.
10. Breath.
11. Order gel for show, heck actually pick the colors and THEN order gel...
12. Thank my assistant for always being around when I need her and even when I don't. It's nice to have some one to bounce ideas off and laugh about mistakes.
13. Does this teacher have a MFA or a PHd? Is that 15 minutes or 20? Damn he just walked in.

And there is now 17 more people in the room. Not bad for 8 minutes after class starts.


Selfish quiet

Sometimes you just have to be selfish.

For no other reason than self preservation.

I need quiet time to get reading done. I can't comprehend or remember any reading I do with a TV in front of me, or in the other room of that tiny *open floorplan* house.

So, I sit in a local coffee shop drinking a soy chai, wishing I was home in San Diego. Days like this I miss my bedroom at my parents house, miss Cosmos, my second home and most sacred place.

I miss the comfortable silence.


I want my hair to do this

If you give a mouse a cookie.

That's it, I'm buying a curling iron.

I have tried, unsuccessfully for the past hour to put my hair up into those stupid velcro hair curlers. The package says "Self gripping rollers". I am not convinced, you must have some kind of texture to your hair in the first place before you try to self grip this puppies to your head. Not to mention that once they do anything outside of a straight line to your skull they create the most wicked knots in my preciously thin hair. ouch, no good. So I'm going to Rite Aid to buy a curler and I'll probably break down and buy that straightener I've been talking myself out of for the last month, oh and Valentine's Day is coming so I'll of course have to look at the cards, then you know, that's always an excuse to get my favorite Dove chocolates and then I'll want a fish and an aquarium and ...

ohmygod, see what happens when you give a girl a nice dress, she feels the need to style her hair and then can't so she buys a curler and a...


Getting a degree

is a lot more work that I thought. First I had to find the commitment in myself to actually attend classes and do homework, then I had to have the presence of mind to actually plan classes out and decide what path I was taking. Once I got over that craziness then I had the balls to challenge myself to apply to a UC school instead of just defaulting to a State school like so many of my other hometown friends. After making that jump I had like monthly meetings with my counselor to make sure I was still on track. Had to put in an application for IGETC then apply for those UC schools oh and apply to graduate for my AA (which I didn't get anyway but that's a post for some other time). Okay, now I finally get accepted to a UC school but there's a million hick-ups there too and it's everything I learned at CC all over again just with less time. Quarter system is still kicking my ass, I don't understand how it's possible or even acceptable to assign over 50 pages of reading due in a day and a half. I know I sound like a wimp but, come on, I'm a theatre major... I don't read and theorize... I effing do it. I appreciate history and the classics, there are a few outspoken writers I will listen to but, again the lights don't just come up on their own (enough about theory already). If it took you 4 hours to read a book don't ever assume it will take any college student less time, if anything assume it will take more, especially if you want them to understand it enough to discuss it in class, end of subject.
Then there was Grad school. Reducing every glorious and horrifying detail of my daily battle to finish my undergraduate degree into 12 pages of grades and income and talent and ability to follow instructions. Why in the name of Oedipus Rex do I want to continue attempting to care about readings and papers when I know that on the other side of a $70 application there is three times as much work and at the same ludicrously fast paced quarter system pace? How can I stand seeing everything I've worked so hard to achieve be paired down to an application and an essay.

I guess you could say I'm being complacent...

But I'm not really pleased with the work I've been doing lately. I mean... it became so unexciting once I got to the university. It's all form and structure and proper ways of doing things. Maybe I became too bland. It's stupid to say but I really miss really good poor theatre and I hate what I've been working in, really bad well (okay decently) financed theatre. I hope Faggot Arabesque (the next show I'm working on) teaches me how to love theatre again.
I wouldn't be surprised if my recent application to Dream school wasn't passionate enough to get me in. If it is based on grades and number of productions and portfolio alone I would already be in but if the statement of purpose holds any weight I'm totally screwed. It's hard to write a page or two about how passionate you are about your career when you aren't even sure why you are still in it, that and I hate being fake. I hate saying Lighting Design is all I've ever thought about doing because it's a complete and utter lie. I've thought about doing everything in theatre and more recently nothing.

And this is the part that scares me the most.

I've thought about leaving for a little while. What has this university done to my spirit?
I can't control it anymore but I need to finish what I started.

A bit deep for not posting in over a month. Maybe I'll be better in a few weeks after some of the shows get underway. Right now I'm stuck with this stupid Dramatic Theories class I'm taking (that makes me mad and close minded rather than enlightened and logical like I'm sure it's supposta) and another reading heavy Ancient Drama course. At least I balanced it out with a Drawing class. It's nice to not think and just stare at shapes and spaces twice a week.

So I leave you with this:

Two things I did learn to do in College:
Jump higher and now faster and now through this hoop and now through this one on fire...
Grab a spoon and a cartoon of Ice Cream and say eff it all...
which is what I'll be doing right now