Day Three

I'm having a hard time today.

I love and miss my family more than I can ever express in words but today they are getting on my nerves.

I've been really glad to get re-acquainted with my cousin but today she started chatting with me on facebook and the first thing she asked is when I'll be coming out to see her then she asked if I had gotten everything together at school. Not even close. My uncle wants pictures from the weekend, my mom wants a flight booked to come see me and asked why I haven't seen counseling yet.

I'm trying really really REALLY hard to not crawl into the corner of my office and start sobbing.

I had a full day of classes on Tuesday and today. By full I mean 8am to 6pm. My truck's check engine light came back on so I had to deal with that yesterday.

I cannot fix everything in one day.
Nor do I want to. I'm choosing to take one subject a day so I don't get too overwhelmed and anxious like I'm feeling right now. This is incredibly hard as it is and I don't need my family, those who are supposed to support me through this, attack me as soon as I leave their sight. I'm not just sitting around the house waiting to hear from them again. I'm working really really hard at keeping my life somewhat afloat right now.

Please, just cut me some slack.


Little plastic castle is a surprise every time.

I need to see my family. I'm glad I'm flying down for Easter this weekend. As aggrivating as it is to drive to San Jose and get on a plane, it is worth it every single time. How I view my interaction with my family is reduced to the little things I took for granted when I was a kid. A cup of tea with my mom, holding my dad's hand during church, making silly notes for my sister to find.
It comes in phases. Some days I am really strong and don't think for a second about cancer. Other days, like today, my dad is the only thing I can think about. I go to class and continue to keep my appointments because I want to keep achieving the things I love, which is what I think he has always wanted me to do. I've been trying to focus my gaze on the celebration of death, the beauty of fulling your time and purpose in life. But some days I can't stop thinking about how I soon won't have my daddy anymore. So I guess this post is to continue my search for a good perspective...

They say goldfish have no memory
I guess their lives are much like mine
And the little plastic castle is a surprise every time

one day at a time, one goal at a time, one moment at a time.