When I grow up, this week I want to be....

I need to take the GRE. I just know it.
I also need to finish Grad school applications before I drive home this weekend.
Need another copy of Vectorworks, at least they are releasing 2009 now.
I need to pony up the cash to buy a freaking license for that.
and about 12 other software programs I need.

I need a real job
I also need to drive myself more insane by not knowing what the hell I want to do in life.

Alright... ready... GO!


drying up

I'm thirsty
always thirsty

for water
for healing
for heat



Money Blues

I'm totally screwed. Can't pay rent. Parents gave me money. Already used a lot of it on gas to a job that only paid $100 after taxes and my stupid expensive cell phone bill. crap crap crap.
Also, have two more papers to finish. A final and then freak out about the amount of gifts I'm expected to buy.

Christmas has been cancelled due to lack of funds.


Feeling better

I stayed home until about 45 minutes before my only class today and got a lot of work done today. I took a million of breaks but it helped, I kept writing. The large paper is about 60% done and I'm getting some really good work out of it. I think I will be fully capable of directing this show once I'm done with this research and writing. I just type what comes to mind and most of the time the only changes that need to be made are tweaking the grammatical structure of the sentence and a handful of misspelled words. I really like writing in single space and ignoring the errors until I take a break or finish the topic. I'm too harsh of a critic if I try to edit while I write and it seems to cripple my creativity too. When I can type like I think ideas come out a lot fast than when I spend half an hour looking for another word for 'keep' because I've used that word too many times in that paragraph. Then I change the typeface and double space. Instant 3 page paper!
Okay back to work.


That's it

I quit. I can't do this anymore...

News Flash

If the paper is due the week before the final date: It's not a final paper, it's just an unfair form of punishment at the last minute. Please don't ever expect me to have the presence of mind to write an obscene amount of useless garble between the Thanksgiving Break and the week of finals.

I'm dying quickly and it's only Tuesday.


I thought

I was a theatre undergraduate but apparently I'm taking Lit classes this quarter because I have 4 huge papers due. One of them is already late, one due at midnight and the last two I'm not even sure I want to think about yet.

Screw finals, I want a beer.


December 1st 2008, 12:54 am...

I think I am finally going insane.

How can it be so difficult to write my own obituary. We've been assigned to write an obituary about a celebrity we have read about during the quarter and then to write our own.

This should be the license to dream up anything and everything I wanted to accomplish in my small amount of time in this world. But I can't seem to get the adjectives out from under this headache.
I know what I want to accomplish in my career. I could list them off easily, but to describe it in full detail as if it had already happened is tricky. Maybe a list will help:

I want to:
Work at ETC
Intern at an Opera
Get an MFA or PhD from Dream school
Become a board member on a theatre compnay
Teach theatre at a UC school
Start a Shakespeare Theatre Company
Be the Managing Director or Production Manager of at least 3 different companies
Start an after school Shakespeare Program
That spreads like wildfire into the schools of San Francisco
Be an electrician till I can't lift things anymore
Be the lighting designer for a major LORT theatre
Write a cheap and entertaining textbook
Meet some impressive people because I've become one myself

live, laugh and love theatre.

to be continued...


Money on my mind on Black Friday


I'm thinking about taking a year off from school and theatre...
I'm still going to apply to Dream school. I'm still looking for another campus to apply to (hometown UC was kind of rude, I was a little turned off).
But there are jobs here in town that start at $3.000 a month that I'm confident I could land just as long as I believe in myself.
With the crazy economy right now, paying off some of my $20,000 college debt before racking up some more might be a good idea. Especially since I got my statement for next quarter today... yeah $3,000 tuition.


New Year's Resolution number one: Get better at tracking finances that will give me less of a headache during tax time.


I looked at the website for a regional theatre, they have an internship for marketing and social networking. Basically my job would be surfing facebook and myspace to promote the shows for eight hours a week for two semesters.
Just when I had lost all hope in a job in theatre...


Happy Thanksgiving

I wish I was at South Carlsbad State Beach camping with my family.



Maybe it's the crappy economy right now
maybe it's the holidays looming around the corner of finals
maybe it's because it's going to rain tonight
maybe it's the lack of money
maybe it's my lack of interest
maybe I really don't want to do theatre anymore...

I've been thinking a lot about what I really want to do with the rest of my life... kind of the point of this blog, actually, and I can't come up with an answer.

I love theatre
I love art
I love to teach
I really like organizing things

but maybe, just maybe, I'm more interested in other parts of my life growing and learning more.

There might not be a season next year for a number of local companies, including my employer from the summer. I'm looking into internships at the production facilities for our equipment. Still applying to Grad School but not sure if I can afford it right away... or ever.



Should have know better

I'm so sick of this show, of this theatre, of these angry people, this disorganized schedule, these petty fights we have every day.

It can't be like this everywhere. Theatre is still a great passion in my life but it's magic is shrinking in my heart. This company is killing me and I can't ignore it.

The battle lines have been drawn. It's the design verses the production. I don't understand how they can't work together, can't be adults.

Why is it so fucking painful to make something so beautiful?


Follow up

Well, I went to my Department Head.
I explained how I though responding would be fueling the fire. He took a copy of the letter just in case things get out of hand. I don't want to push this any further. I don't think the person this letter is about wouldn't like these things said on his behalf either so I'm just going to let it rest. My DH was sympathetic. He was mostly concerned for my safety and feelings but he still gave me a few answers like I thought he would. He said he would follow up with a meeting with the author of the letter and I told him it was alright to talk to the subject of the letter about it.


As much crap as I get for talking with my DH so much, I'm glad he's on my side. He cares and I really appreciate it, especially at times like this.


Play nice

Sometimes it's hard to play nice in a field of work you care so deeply about.

Our department has a "Town Hall" meeting once a quarter. It's a time to get all those discussions you hear in the hallways in between classes out to the faculty and staff. I have been very passionate about almost every subject brought up in these meetings so it's hard for me to, um sensor, myself in what I say and to whom.

I just got a two page letter from another theatre arts student who thought the things I said were offensive. I never meant to hurt his feelings but I don't regret what I said either.

So I don't know how to respond to this. I feel like I should write a letter back and explain what I said and how I had no idea that it would offend him in this way but at the same time I want to say "eff him" (He said some nasty things towards the end).

So in a normal situation I would go to my advisor/mentor. But he's the department chair and the department and will give me a 'chair of the department answer'.

I just want to know what to say.


Dream school interview

went really really well. Now for the finishing my undergraduate.


It all comes down to

My life for the next three years will be determined to a big black portfolio case, 6 large folded pieces of paper, a list of names, transcripts, drawings and pictures.

But mostly, my future comes down to the confidence I have in myself.


What is your purpose in life?

Dream school asked me to bring my resume, portfolio and my application to meeting on Thursday.

Might as well tattoo "Self Concious" on my forehead.

My resume is strong, my portfolio is out of date, I haven't finished my application because it askes for a statement of purpose.

How am I supposed to write my purpose in theatre in an elequent and beautiful way when I don't even understand it myself?

I don't know what my purpose is. I couldn't tell you why I NEED to be involved in theatre. I just do.


PS. Still haven't started my 12th Night paper, it's due the day I'm at Dream school for a tour. Got distracted with cleaning my desk in the office and playing with my pathetic portfolio.
God I need help.

Avoiding Illyria.

I guess we'll go with round two of 100 random facts.

26. I love to play HALO with the boys. There is some kind of epic battle being raged in the living room as I type.
27. I have found I cuss a lot when playing ANY video game. "Get the bitch out of my WAY, you princess HOOKER!" <- That would be Mario Kart Wii.
28. I can only pretend to be a macho guy for about 2 rounds of Halo, then I get butt hurt about everything.
29. Wish my life was more streamlined, which basically comes down to the thought that an iPhone will solve every problem I've ever had in my life.
30. I really miss homemade meals. I make them for myself and get more pleasure out of feeding the boys around me that actually making the dish and feeding myself.
31. My favorite color is pink. I don't wear it often but I find ways to sneak it into my everyday life.
32. My biggest fear in life pushes me to achieve great things with or without it's depressing numbers.
33. I absolutely HATE doing the dishes but can't stand having a kitchen full of dishes so I end up doing them anyhow. My dad made it a war with some kind of score that I never wanted to be a part of.
34. I saw a beautiful sunset on the way home from the theatre today.
35. It's nice to see the sky from under these giant trees every once in a while.
36. I bake cookies when I want attention. No other reason.
37. I have a box full of blank thank you cards and try to send them out whenever possible. Handwritten thank you's are a lost art form.
38. I plan on sending one to the director of the show I just saw for getting a free ticket, even thought I wasn't on the list.
39. If you act like you know what your talking about, most people will hand you the keys to the kingdom.
40. I wake up around 6am but stay in bed because it is warm. I eventually get out before 8am and down to campus by 9. I really don't have anything to do until noon most of the time.
41. Socializing is one of the main reasons I love theatre so much. You only have to be nice to people for 6 weeks at a time.
42. Gas where I live is $2.78 AMAZING!
43. I took my cat home with me over winter break last year because I didn't know anyone who would be in town to feed him.
44. I'm glad I did. It helped end my last (terrible) relationship. Long story
45. I think about going to church every Sunday. Then find some lame excuse not to.
46. I want to send my kids to a private school. I got an excellent education out of it and appreciate it more and more each day.
47. My dream car right now is a Dodge Magnum. It has light up cup holders.
48. Cup holders are a selling point in a vehicle for someone who previously did not have one. One of the reasons I got my current car, you try driving 3 cups of coffee from work to a study group with NO cup holders.
49. I miss working in the scene shop some days
50. I think my boss' boss if finally starting to like me, or at least not hate me.

Now back to my paper about 12th Night. Hurray!


Not as cool as Summer

So one of my fellow bloggers posted this 100 weird things about herself. I'm intriged enough to try it and lazy enough to put in enough effort to do this and not post an actual update about my ridiculously fun weekend in Vegas.

So we'll do 25 at a time just to keep things light and easy, yeah?

1. I'm afraid of rice. My dad delivers bread and when I was little I thought it was someone's job to take pieces of bread and roll them up into little pieces of rice. To this day I can only eat it in sushi, and only in one mouthful or all is lost.
2. I think I have one of the best self esteems for a girl my age. I mean, really. I should be a huge stressed out emotional reck at 25. Nope, not me. I'm rocking it.
3. Is my favorite number and my boyfriend's too. My reason is because I went to a private school and they handed out class sets of books by number and numbered us by alphabetical order. Last name C = #3
4. I'm totally stoked that I just figured out 3 and # are the same key.
5. I am so easily pleased it should be illegal.
6. I could care less what anyone else thinks about me, even when I dress up. I do it for myself not to impress anyone.
7. Heels.com is my porn website, I go there when I'm bored in class
8. I finally got my ears pierced for the first time at the age of 25.
9. I have decided I kind of hate numbering lists like this, makes me think I'm on a VH1 countdown or something.
10. Totally adore What Not To Wear
11. My costume design professor is a carbon copy of Clinton Kelly, no joke.
12. I am really REALLY excited to see a show all by myself this weekend. I've played mom so much lately I really just don't want to be responsible for anyone but myself and check out for 2 hours.
13. It is currently raining
14. My housemate (male and not my boyfriend) takes a shower that lasts a decade! One morning I tried to shower after him and ended up taking the fastest cold shower of my life. Note: housemate shaves his head. Don't want to know what the f he's doing in there for 20 minutes.
15. I'm slightly afraid that even the smallest bit of rain will make every 60 foot healthy redwood within a mile radius of my house get the sudden urge to fall.
16. I kind of love that I say 'kind of' all the time
17. And 'alkindsof'
18. And not hella. Hate that "word"
19. What is with this college thing of saying housemate? Somehow they have infultrated my brain and now I say it too. In San Diego they're roommates, even if you have seperate rooms. stupid.
20. I love to read every part of a magazine. I mean fine print of who got coffee for the editor to every makeup ad. This is the reason I don't buy many magazines.
21. I know the muffin man
22. My favorite drinks are (in this order) Water, coffee, beer, orange juice, apple juice, whiskey, pepsi, mountain dew and tea.
23. I secretly dislike many of the decorating choices my boyfriend has made throughout the house. Mostly because he's lived with these white walls for 2 years and he just now painted the bathroom. It'd be the first thing I did, paint.
24. I adore my cat with every fiber in my being. He is what keeps me sane and whole in life.
25. That cat has lasted through 4 boyfriends and he will ALWAYS win in my heart. Sorry, I've know the cat longer.

and with that, bed.

checkpoint of sorts

My life is so full of more than I could ever have dreamed for.
I am thankful for every broken heart, bad grade, crappy job, top ramen, sleepless day that has brought me to achieve all that I have so far.

Here's to 25 more years.

I think I'm going to Dream School

I just got an email from Graduate Advisor asking me to bring in my application so we can go over it.



Pinch Me

So, I promised myself that I wouldn't write anything in this blog until I recapped my weekend in Vegas at LDI.

Then I got an email.

From a very well noted Grad school professor, a professor from ONE of the two grad schools I was planning on applying to this year. (i just had a moment of 'oh my god, I just got here. What am I doing applying for grad school already?') Amazing, I know!

The story goes: I had worked with one of his collueges this summer and (like a good observant student and social networker I am) talked to him as often as I could about nothing... everything... the show, the city, public transportation, New York, etc. Having established some sort of connection (although it be holding on by a thread) I procceeded to send him an email at the end of the summer mentioning that I had seen he was a professor at Dream School and I was interested in any insider information he had. He replied (I think later that night) and said he would forward the email on to the Admissions Advisor and the Lighting Design faculty. Good.
Heard from Admissions right away, mostly just fill out this form and look at this website. Exciting. I had kind of given up hope about the Lighting Designer until..

he replied yesterday, the DAY I started my application for Dream School.

Basically saying that he was sorry for taking so long to get back to me. Dream School only admits 2 lighting students a year and then they assist him anywhere he is working (which could be as far away as Italy, depending). Then he says, feel free to call me anytime on my cell phone and please email me back to set up a time for a tour and to met the rest of the faculty. Amazing.

I suggested earlier was better for me so in his next email he replied with the suggestion of breakfast on November 6th.

It all comes down to not what you know but who.

HU? Exactly.


You know you're addicted to theatre

When you not only spend $85 to see a show but you buy everyone else's tickets so you can all sit together.
I just spent almost $600 on theatre tickets. exciting.

Something to be proud of

Why do I have to be so responsible sometimes? One of my professors is taking a small group of students to Las Vegas this weekend for a Lighting Design Convention. It's a once in a lifetime oppertunity on (pretty much) someone else's dime. These luxury's don't come free though. I have assumed responsibility for the other 4 bandits joining me in the adventure. Our professor is flying into Vegas Friday but the rest of us are driving. Which means I had to corridnate the hotel booking, van rental, pick up and drop off of all parties concerned. You'd think it'd be real easy to get 4 college students to Vegas, not when the university is paying for it in the name of 'research'.
I still don't understand how I can map out all of these things involving many people and multiple times and locations several days in advance but I forget to put on deodorant on a regular basis.
Well, time for my first 'offical' production meeting for the big Winter show. Offical only because I actually was included in the emails this time. Gee, thanks. And I'm taking this one for credit, so in theory, I am paying the university to let me work on this show. I don't cost them a dime and they still can't include me on an email.


Chino pants and earrings

Things are going well up here. I'm looking for things to do and keep me out of trouble until a show comes crashing down. Keeping on top of homework, so far been done with things a day before they are due which is a huge improvement from 40 minutes before class. Lot of reading, so far I've read 3 scripts and half a textbook and still have an equal amount of that left for the rest of the quarter.
I went shopping this weekend and bought some 'interview' clothes. New York & Company is having a ridiculous Buy One Get One Half off and 60% off other items sale so I got 2 pairs of Chino pants (in black and tan) a big black belt. Macy's had some beautifully professional heels for $59. I liked them enough to bite the bullet. Get this, They were 40% off and they only had the floor display in my size so she took another 10%. $59 shoes for $29! I'm learning! Now all I need is a top and I'll be ready for Grad School interviews or just job interviews.

Yes, I did get my ears pierced. I feel kinda girly now. I got it done at a local tattoo parlor because I had heard the needle was less painful and healed faster than shooting a blunt object through your ear with a piercing gun. I think I psyched myself out more than I should have, just two deep breaths and then it only felt like I the bottom half of my ears had fallen asleep. They have me soaking them in warm water and sea salt which feels amazing, and rinsing with saline solution. The info sheet they gave me says 3 times a day for 15 minutes. After 5 minutes the water starts to get a little luke warm and you feel like an idiot with a cup of water cupped around your ear. I can't wait to start collecting new earrings!



Just spent another hour perfecting new layout for blog. Rather happy. Still haven't done reading.


Still hate princess. She's on the other side of the room. At least she's wearing "normal" clothes today.
It's been almost 3 hours and I still haven't done my reading.
I had an amazing Asian Chicken Salad though.

Right after I posted this, I said something to another friend about my ipod acting weird and princess actually looked at me! I do exist! My life can finally go on!


I should be reading my epic textbook. I know the quarter system moves fast but this is just ridiculous.

Read a chapter a week. Okay, sounds reasonable. Then you look at the size of the chapter. The book is 500 something pages and there are THREE chapters total. That breaks down to roughly 166 pages a chapter. Okay, not so bad if you have a whole week to read it. Then you look at the subject matter. This is no usual Dick and Jane Go To The Theatre type textbook. Oh no, it is about Dialogic Drama in Athens, The aesthetics of noh, Kathakali dance.
I don't even know half of those words and I have to read and understand all of it for discussion in class and in section with the TA. I am finally regretting not taking the Artaud class, mostly because it is centered on one idea. I can grasp one concept well, I can familiarize myself with several, I can only pretend to understand multiple in a week's time. And retain them enough to discuss or take a quiz, that's pushing it. Oh and then adding on top of all that with an unrelated lecture. Suicide.
So here I am, re-reading Chapter 2 and writing down notes that make no sense at all. I like to think I'm fairly intelligent but I also have 2 other classes, a show or two I'm working on and a part time job. Oh, not to mention the petty fight I've been having with my boyfriend all week, the six scripts in my backpack waiting to be read, my plans to go out of town next weekend the four Grad school applications I'm working on and the fact that I feel homesick on a daily basis. I know teachers have lives too but how long did it take them to read that textbook? Did you even read it all? Don't ever expect me to read it in anything less than half the time it took you. If you read it in 3 months, I should read it in 1 and a half. Makes sense? The actual assignment: 3 weeks? Come on!
It's an amazing book, I love the content, I am excited to be learning about how theatre is defined outside of western civilization but please remember I am NOT a robot, I'm an undergraduate.


In transit

I can't find my hairbrush, class is about to start, I'm still in the computer lab, and I am listening to a remix of Dave Matthews that I really enjoy. I've been editing my cover letter for grad school applications all day. I think I'm happy with where it's at right now. We'll see after class tomorrow. Now it's time to start working on my resume. I'm sure it will be the next on the list. I need it for Senior Seminar anyhow. I've been reading David Mament's Three Uses of A Knife for that class. It's basically David Mamet going off about theatre. My typing is too slow now. I used to be able to type way faster and more accuretly. Oh and I could spell too.

Time to go to class. Ugh. Guest speaker I had yesterday in a different class.



Everything is better when you are with your family.



I really should be in bed since I have a 7 something am flight back down to San Diego tomorrow morning. I'm just too excited to sleep. Generally I cannot afford the $200 plane ticket to see my family but after a long bout of that homesick feeling, I caved and forked over the precious rent money to surprise my folks for a weekend. They have no idea, it will be epic.

I also felt like I should get some of these thoughts out of my head for a little while too. It seems like whenever I have something troubling me, I write them down and I either find the answer before I finish writing or forget the problem completely because I've realized it was pointless to worry about in the first place. (I should really get better at those run on sentences)

I've been so excited about life lately. Most of my peers are running around stressed out about a midterm or their relationship is falling apart or the owe Mom and Dad thousands of dollars and still need more. I must say, not to toot my own horn or anything, that somehowI've made it to the other side.

Now, I don't have a stable job. I am not a degree holding college graduate yet. I am just barely making ends meet with my loans and student paid position. I am not largely in debt to my parents (well at least not financially and at least not to them). I am still not 100 percent on what I want to do for the rest of my life. My car needs a tune up, like sometime last year. And I am in desperate need of some socks without holes in them.

But I am alive.

I am making new friends. I am helping the incoming students. I am working (even if it is less than part time). I am earning my degree. I am buying my own things. I am going grocery shopping and making myself dinner. I have a great, supportive, smart, understanding and responsible boyfriend. I have the fat cat who purrs every time I pick him up (even if it's only for a second or two before the yelling continues for his food). I am beginning to feel more comfortable calling myself an adult. I am gaining more mentors and collaborators each show I work on. I am surrounded by these gigantic redwood trees that remind me every day how small I really am. But most of all, I have the opportunity to learn something new each and every day.

Which brings me to my second thought. I've been narrowing down what I want to do in theatre and the problem I see to keep running into is I don't want to do just one thing, I want to do everything. At first I thought Managing Director or Production Manager would be the best answer. Surely, who else would have something to do with every aspect of this craft than those unspoken managers present behind most successful companies and shows. Then school started and I realized how much I really do love this environment. The long and winding road to grad school and teaching credentials and all the red tape and BS I watched my Mom go through might be worth it if I could pass on just one small kernel of passion and knowledge I possess for the theatre.

And I'm not sure exactly how I feel about this new revelation. Should I start seriously pursuing it? Should I talk to my mentors?
Should I start trying harder in classes? Do I challenge myself enough to challenge others? Could I really articulate everything and be that detail oriented and methodical? Oh my Mom will be thrilled.

There there are the bazillion other questions that come after I answer that set. Where do I go to Grad School? When should I apply? Am I really talented enough to make it? Do I want to teach in Community College or a University? What city. For how long? What about having a family life? Am I really ready for this?

The answer, I guess, is I will never be ready, I will never get my checkpoint to peer in my future life. I will never understand these things and be able to answer them until I have tried.

Where did this state of mind come from? It must be from my car accident. After a serious threat to your life things don't look so ominous and scary anymore. Death is just looming around the corner and it may be tomorrow it may be in 50 years from now. I don't ever want to live my life saying I was afraid to speak, I was afraid to laugh, I was ashamed to cry, I didn't think I had enough money, I was too timid to try.

Which brings me to my final thought of the evening, just to make this blog not seem so philosophical. I wish there was some way I could check my Remote Control Jeep into the overhead compartment of my tiny commuter flight to San Diego just so my Dad and I could race it down his driveway. I guess I'll have to settle with surprising him with a visit from his oldest daughter and a Happy Hour in the backyard.

Life is still beautiful even if I have no clue what I am doing.



I kind of hate very talented actresses. Only actresses. The talented actors I have know are assholes as well but only when they need to be. Actresses are snooty for no flippin' reason at all. All the time. Don't get me wrong, there are many a talented actress out there that does not have a stick up her ass because she's been in this show with that director. Whatever. I don't give a crap, really. You still never make an attempt to befriend any of the technicians and that makes me hate you. A lot. In my book, you even get points for pretending to try, I mean offering your name at a production meeting or rehearsal, asking a question about what I'm working on right in front of you. Never. So when your follow spot doesn't ... follow... you or your cue light doesn't get fixed you will know it's because you didn't say hello when we were the only two people in the computer lab. The singing while I was trying to write a term paper didn't make me love you any more.

flip through the script tell me what it says, skip through the story tell me how it ends

Something about these Unwritten Law lyrics that always stuck with me. To me, it's not a statement about being lazy, it's about knowing what the outcome is going to be. Life makes me a little worried sometimes. I don't know the variables, I don't know if all the work and effort I am putting into one aspect of my life will pay off in the near future, or be useful at all. I have been trying to figure out exactly what I want to do in theatre, what position, what angle, what lifestyle. I'm narrowing it down, slowly, mostly by process of elimination. So I don't need to know the specifics of my life before I play it out. I don't want to read the script just yet but I would love to know how it ends, where I go in the end. Even if it's not the end so as not to spoil it, maybe 2/3 of the way through. Just a checkpoint to make sure I'm generally on track, going the direction I thought I would. Can I get a checkpoint?


Toys R Us Kid

Yesterday, after being prompted by my boyfriend's purchase of a rather expensive toy helicopter last week, I bought a RC car. It's about 1/10 the scale of a real Jeep Wrangler Rubicon and has tires that make up half the height of the whole vehicle. It's ridiculous, one of the most frivolous purchases I have made in quite some time. It actually ended up being $30 less than listed on the shelf at my local Toys R Us. But I cannot wait to get that thing out in the driveway and jumping over boxes. Like a good female, I read the instructions and it says to charge the battery for a minimum of 8 hours, drain the battery completely and charge again, for another 8 hours. Now, I'm an adult, I am usually reasonably good at waiting patiently for things I want but this is killing me. I have the Jeep, the controller, some boxes to make a jump, and the cat to chase around the house, for the love of wireless toys will you please charge FASTER! I cannot wait to have children and put them through this waiting game. Or better yet, I will be forced to do it for them so they learn that instant gratification is grand. So I'll have to play with my kid's toys. . . for them. . . before they do. . . darn.


I think I'm looking for failure.
Not in my own life but in the things around me. There is a tree on the drive down to work that has uprooted itself and is now precariously hanging over the road from the crotch of another tree. It's like a never ending countdown to when it will come crashing down, most likely on some one's unsuspecting car. I watching it grow closer and closer to circum to gravity every day. I am waiting for failure.

During a break between toy helicopter and plane flying I laid out on the driveway and looked up at the gigantic redwoods beside me. Why is it that they grow branches on only one side? Are they only specialized on collecting sunlight from that one direction? What about the trees that have branches all around them? Are they multi-taskers? Are humans like this? Is there one dead core thing that unites us at our roots and then we grow out to specialize in other things?

Can we learn more?

I feel like I have said this all my life. I don't want to dominate in any subject really. I just want to learn more. I want to be a tree with branches stretched out to the sun in all directions. I want to reach more knowledge.