Philosophy

I really should be in bed since I have a 7 something am flight back down to San Diego tomorrow morning. I'm just too excited to sleep. Generally I cannot afford the $200 plane ticket to see my family but after a long bout of that homesick feeling, I caved and forked over the precious rent money to surprise my folks for a weekend. They have no idea, it will be epic.

I also felt like I should get some of these thoughts out of my head for a little while too. It seems like whenever I have something troubling me, I write them down and I either find the answer before I finish writing or forget the problem completely because I've realized it was pointless to worry about in the first place. (I should really get better at those run on sentences)

I've been so excited about life lately. Most of my peers are running around stressed out about a midterm or their relationship is falling apart or the owe Mom and Dad thousands of dollars and still need more. I must say, not to toot my own horn or anything, that somehowI've made it to the other side.

Now, I don't have a stable job. I am not a degree holding college graduate yet. I am just barely making ends meet with my loans and student paid position. I am not largely in debt to my parents (well at least not financially and at least not to them). I am still not 100 percent on what I want to do for the rest of my life. My car needs a tune up, like sometime last year. And I am in desperate need of some socks without holes in them.

But I am alive.

I am making new friends. I am helping the incoming students. I am working (even if it is less than part time). I am earning my degree. I am buying my own things. I am going grocery shopping and making myself dinner. I have a great, supportive, smart, understanding and responsible boyfriend. I have the fat cat who purrs every time I pick him up (even if it's only for a second or two before the yelling continues for his food). I am beginning to feel more comfortable calling myself an adult. I am gaining more mentors and collaborators each show I work on. I am surrounded by these gigantic redwood trees that remind me every day how small I really am. But most of all, I have the opportunity to learn something new each and every day.

Which brings me to my second thought. I've been narrowing down what I want to do in theatre and the problem I see to keep running into is I don't want to do just one thing, I want to do everything. At first I thought Managing Director or Production Manager would be the best answer. Surely, who else would have something to do with every aspect of this craft than those unspoken managers present behind most successful companies and shows. Then school started and I realized how much I really do love this environment. The long and winding road to grad school and teaching credentials and all the red tape and BS I watched my Mom go through might be worth it if I could pass on just one small kernel of passion and knowledge I possess for the theatre.

And I'm not sure exactly how I feel about this new revelation. Should I start seriously pursuing it? Should I talk to my mentors?
Should I start trying harder in classes? Do I challenge myself enough to challenge others? Could I really articulate everything and be that detail oriented and methodical? Oh my Mom will be thrilled.

There there are the bazillion other questions that come after I answer that set. Where do I go to Grad School? When should I apply? Am I really talented enough to make it? Do I want to teach in Community College or a University? What city. For how long? What about having a family life? Am I really ready for this?

The answer, I guess, is I will never be ready, I will never get my checkpoint to peer in my future life. I will never understand these things and be able to answer them until I have tried.

Where did this state of mind come from? It must be from my car accident. After a serious threat to your life things don't look so ominous and scary anymore. Death is just looming around the corner and it may be tomorrow it may be in 50 years from now. I don't ever want to live my life saying I was afraid to speak, I was afraid to laugh, I was ashamed to cry, I didn't think I had enough money, I was too timid to try.

Which brings me to my final thought of the evening, just to make this blog not seem so philosophical. I wish there was some way I could check my Remote Control Jeep into the overhead compartment of my tiny commuter flight to San Diego just so my Dad and I could race it down his driveway. I guess I'll have to settle with surprising him with a visit from his oldest daughter and a Happy Hour in the backyard.






Life is still beautiful even if I have no clue what I am doing.